[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Bezos’ Acquisition Plans Include the Whole World

Being the third-richest person in the world is not nearly enough, as the Amazon founder acquisition plans include all assets, everywhere.

It’s a jungle out there for all of us.

But for Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, he won’t be satisfied until he owns even more of that jungle than he does now. Much more.

world acquisition plan
Jeff Bezos’ acquisition plans, summarized. (Yes, they include the moon.) Image by NASA.

Already owning the Washington “Amazon” Post, Bezos has put in bids for the acquisition of many more media interests. He’s aiming to buy the New York Times, Boston Globe, Wall Street Journal, his company’s hometown paper — the Seattle Times — and all other important newspapers around the country.

If he’s in the mood, he says, he might also buy the major TV and cable networks and radio and satellite stations as well.

As if that wasn’t enough, he’s working to claim syndication rights to popular TV shows such as Seinfeld, Two and a Half Men, M*A*S*H, and Friends.

Asked if his actions smacked of too much greed and that he was power-mad, Bezos answered that “This is America. Land of Opportunity. I’m just a normal businessman seeking to make a buck or two. I’m pursuing the American Dream. What’s wrong with that?”

Worth $172 billion depending on which day it is, Bezos apparently doesn’t care all that much about money. It’s power, influence, and beating the competition that motivate Bezos, his business colleagues and ex-wife told reporters.

“He won’t be happy until he owns the whole world,” said the ex-Mrs. Bezos, who sounded a trifle bitter, even if she’s worth a pretty penny herself at $27 billion, due to owning a 4 percent stock in Amazon. Being bitter has its privileges, evidently, as the Bezos ex is said to be the third-richest woman in the U.S. and the world’s 35th wealthiest individual.

Now Amazon executive chairman after stepping down as its CEO, Bezos has also put in a bid to control all the country’s leading supermarkets. In addition to owning Whole Foods Market, Bezos wants to buy up Starbucks, Dunkin’ Doughnuts, Wendy’s, Burger King, and all other fast-food restaurants and change their names to “Cadabra.” That’s what he originally called Amazon, with the name a play on the word “Abracadabra” to show how magical his online shopping company would be for consumers.

But it won’t be all that easy for Bezos to satisfy his hunger to possess everything. The U.S. Congress is said to be concerned that his plans for the acquisition of the planet might violate anti-trust and anti-monopoly laws and would endanger fair competition. A Congressional subcommittee supposedly is preparing subpoenas for Amazon executives to force them to testify about Bezos predatory business practices.

Asked if he’s worried about Congress, Bezos smiled and said, “Heck no. If they give me any trouble, I’ll just buy Congress, and the whole U.S. Capitol complex. It’ll be nice to have them in my portfolio.”

What about the White House? Wouldn’t the President have to do something to curtail his appetite for more and more? Bezos was asked.

He smiled again. “The President? You kidding me? He gives me any lip, I’ll buy him and the White House too. It wouldn’t be a bad place to spend a few nights there when I’m not out on my simple little 417-foot- long yacht or staying at my down-home Beverly Hills estate or in my cute Central Park West condo in Manhattan. I hear the food they serve you in the White House is not all that bad. Not as good as what you get at Whole Foods. But my girlfriend said she wants to have dinner at the White House at least once in her life and who could say no to her?”

The owner of the Blue Origin spaceflight company, Bezos said he’s looking into buying the government’s NASA civil space agency and becoming the first human to orbit the Sun in a space capsule.

Already, Bezos has flown into suborbital space on his company’s New Shepard vehicle. But now he aims to reach for the stars.

Bezos said once he becomes possessor of most of the planet, he might consider changing the name Earth to something else “less boring.” He might go, he said, with “Erda,” the name of his dog and what the Anglo Saxons called the planet in the fifth century. He’s already got a bouncy new name for the Moon, once he buys that too–Zappos, his online shoe marketplace.

Buying up the universe, if nothing else, will give Bezos great joy to beat out his bitter business rival, Elon Musk, who reportedly said he wants to be the first person on Mars. But if it all works out, Bezos said he’ll be the one talking to the Martians first before Musk. Bezos licked his chops at the thought of it.

“It gets my blood pumping just knowing I’m going to beat that crazy freak Musk,” said Bezos.

Asked what else he wants to possess to completely satisfy his life’s ambitions, if that was even humanly possible, Bezos paused for a moment to consider the idea. Finally, he said, “I should have done it long ago. But why not buy the Amazon jungle in South America? Just think, I won’t even have to change its name.”

Eric Green