Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about NBA players being allowed to smoke weed, doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

NBA players now allowed to smoke weed without being penalized, according to tentative labor agreement

Although, it’s still considered a performance enhancing drug for Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest.

DeSantis said he wouldn’t help extradite Trump to NY

He’d probably just have him dropped off at Martha’s Vineyard first.

McDonald’s temporarily shuts US offices, prepares layoff notices

… The notice begins, ‘You deserve a break today … and, everyday …’

Starlink satellites are falling out of orbit

So, we don’t need a wall, we need a roof…. And Biden needs to make Mars pay for it!

Bud Light faces boycott over Dylan Mulvaney partnership

If people are worried about a beer making someone wanting to be trans, they must really avoid Heineken.

Rupert Murdoch calls off engagement to Ann Lesley Smith

They also canceled their registry at ‘Hospital Bed, Walk In Bath, and Beyond Belief!’

Alec Baldwin and wife Hilaria pose with all 7 kids in chaotic birthday photo

This is a guy who doesn’t know the meaning of the term ‘shooting blanks.’

The James Webb Telescope just took a truly incredible photo of Uranus

Now that’s a high-tech colonoscopy.

Kamala Harris’s staff revolt over quality of food on Air Force Two

Which is why they call it ‘Air Force Number 2.’

Man charged with extorting karaoke bars, hostesses in Koreatown

Look for his album ‘Songs in the Key of 21 to Life.”

Florida covered by an enormous, smelly, red wave

… and there’s that sea weed thing, too.

Humans to achieve immortality in 8 YEARS, says former Google engineer

Must be true, I Googled it.

What is the healthiest nut?

Used to think it was Richard Simmons … now, not so sure.

Asa Hutchinson announces presidential bid, says Trump should withdraw from race

… no word if that also included Caucasian and human …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)