[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Republicans Not Sure Which Grover to Follow, Norquist or the Muppet

Republican lawmakers have been pretty gung-ho these past couple years to sign the Taxpayer Protection Pledge penned by Conservative Lobbyist and smarmy ringleader, Grover Norquist. The pledge essentially requires a “no” vote on any tax increase, especially on the wealthiest of taxpayers, known best for their long-disproved “tinkle-down” economic theory.

Norquist or the Muppet
Photo by GlossyNews.com

However, with elections now just four short months away, many Republican lawmakers are re-thinking their allegiance to the no-tax commander-in-chief, are dropping off the Grover Norquist bandwagon and hopping into bed with Grover the Muppet. (Not literally, of course, although there have been rumors that former Minnesota Senator, Larry Craig does have quite an obsession with the Muppet Show, specifically sax-blowing Zoot.)

A spokesperson for the group trying to decide which Grover to follow claims they are at a crossroads. Jerry Lindorfer, chief publicist for “Undecided Republican Boomers (URB)” says that some of the older, frighteningly conservative members, as well as the new Tea Party lawmakers, definitely remain loyal followers of Norquist. But now, quite a few others have retained their sense of humor and love of freedoms, and are leaning toward Grover, the Muppet, with his unifying message of shapes and colors.

“The Muppet followers are reformed conservatives who grew up watching The Muppet Show. In fact, the majority of them watched The Muppet Show in college as a goof while getting high. Once they realized they needed jobs that required them to settle down, they actually became more like Oscar the Grouch,” said Lindorfer.

But lately, Lindorfer says, the latter group is becoming so fed up with politics that they are returning to the fold and realizing the only thing Grover Norquist seems to offer these days is conflict, while Grover, the Muppet offers a freedom they’ve not felt in decades.

And then there are the constituents. More and more Republicans have given up on trying to get their elected officials to work toward any resolution of America’s problems and get the middle class back on its feet. Apparently weekly votes on whether or not to include God in the pledge of allegiance is more important.

“Neither the lawmakers nor their constituents are buying into the whole ‘we deserve to be in the top 1% in this country’ anymore, and in fact, are tired of having everything they want and need. They are consistently asking ‘what is the sense of having money if you can’t do anything fun with it?’”

In fact, it is the Muppet side that decided on what to name themselves. “Sound it out,” said Lindorfer. “Sounds like herb. Just an inside joke that probably no one but they get, but to them, it is so much more. It takes them to a better place where they can re-live their carefree youth,” he said.

“Sure, no Republican Congressman would ever think of voting for any of Barack Obama’s initiatives, even when they agree with them, or or were the ones who came up with them in the first place. But at the same time, by following Grover, the Muppet, they can skip all the controversial tax votes without feeling the pressure that Grover Norquist has been exerting over them.

“And, hopefully, that is going to make a huge difference come election time in November.”

P. Beckert