The Bain of His Electoral Existence

You might say it was a turbulent week for Mitt Romney. You could also say a light lemon sugar wash makes for ineffective mosquito repellent. He claims to have totally left Bain Capital to run the 2002 Salt Lake City Winter Olympics even though his company handed the government multiple signed documents stating otherwise, and now financial questions plague his campaign like a swarm of dive-bombing bees in a bathroom stall.

The presumptive GOP nominee finds himself in the uncomfortable position of having to convince skeptical voters someone can serve as a firm’s president, chairman of the board, chief executive officer, sole stockholder, junior janitor and cafeteria server in a plastic hairnet and still have absolutely nothing to do with the direction of the company or anything that’s going on. You might say he’s invoking a modified Wall Street bankers’ defense.

It boils down to whether he played any active role at Bain after leaving in 1999 and his subsequent retroactive retirement. Whatever that means. He says no, dividends be damned. And all those SEC filings listing him as boss were simply corporate publicity moves, like Donald Trump putting his name on various hotels and statuesque fashion models. Which many psychologists define as an edifice complex.

Adding to the confusion, in 2002, Willard successfully disputed tax records listing him as an inhabitant of Utah because he was required to have seven years of residency in Massachusetts for gubernatorial eligibility. Then again, who would quarrel with having a president who could live in two places at the same time?

Also, during the period in question, Romney sat on the board of a corporation called LifeLike, which co-incidentally seems to be his campaign slogan. But we’re pretty sure they had nothing to do with his construction. They make dolls, not puppets.

The reason this is all so important is because Romney declares his qualifications stem from his recognized business acumen. And if it’s proven he either lied under oath or to the American people, it would go a long way toward establishing he truly does deserve national office.

Romney maintains he is totally within the law not releasing any more tax records than required. Yeah, well, in certain states gambling and prostitution and foie gras are within the law as well. Is this guy running for the presidency or trying to avoid the constabulary?

The former governor from Massachusetts rationalizes he’s only following in Teresa Heinz’s ’04 footsteps. But Teresa Heinz wasn’t running for president. Her husband, John Kerry, was, and he released 20 years of taxes. So, maybe Romney is subliminally letting us know the post he’s really angling for is… first lady.

Speaking of which, presumptuous presumptive Marie Antoinette understudy, Ann Romney, addressed the subject with, “We’ve given all you people need to know.” Wow. Now, we’re “you people.” Might be taking that Mormon Royalty thing a bit too far. Fortunately, her husband was able to refrain from using the term when addressing the NAACP.

Come on, Mitt. This is the biggest of all poker games and it’s time to go all-in. Like the police always tell us when they start ramping up surveillance. “The innocent have nothing to fear.” You’re squeaky clean innocent, aren’t you? Or is this just another example of that age old Golden Rule: “He who has the gold, makes the rules.”

Check out the website to buy Durst’s upcoming e-book, “Will Durst’s Totally Indispensable Guide to the 2012 Election,” or to find out more about stand-up performances. Or Also: every Tuesday, Elect to Laugh! at The Marsh, in San Francisco — only 16 shows left. Special $10 tix. Use code “vote.”

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Will Durst
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