Argus Has Fun with the News: Charlie Sheen & More

The News, as interpreted by Argus Hamilton:

Charlie Sheen announced Tuesday that he is interested in being a judge on American Idol. He knows plenty about the music business. Charlie Sheen can take one look into the eyes of the contestants and tell whether the cocaine in the green room has run out.

The San Francisco Board of Supervisors moved to ban smoking at all public outdoors events except for medical marijuana. It’s the new law. Second-hand tobacco smoke is classified as a health hazard while second-hand marijuana smoke is classified as hospitality.

Fred Willard was arrested by Hollywood cops for masturbating in a porn theater last week. It wasn’t all bad. Next spring he’ll receive a special Oscar for supporting movies while they are still in the theater rather than waiting for them to arrive in the video stores.

Mad Men and Downton Abbey led the Emmy nominations for best dramatic series Thursday. It’s no surprise. The two shows reflect the two greatest American fantasies today, getting drunk and sleeping around or being a British aristocrat a hundred years ago.

The London Olympics supplied the athletes in the Olympic Village with one hundred fifty thousand condoms. They won’t use them. They realize the only way you can make a living in this economy is to breed a left-handed relief pitcher for the New York Yankees.

Democrats apologized Thursday for making fun of Ann Romney’s dancing horse in a TV ad blasting Mitt Romney. Ridiculing the animal caused nationwide offense. We live in a time where half the country adores horses while the other half is down to eating them.

Al Sharpton blamed racism for GOP opposition Friday, saying Barack Obama doesn’t look like most Americans. That’s easily fixable. If the Environmental Protection Agency would just require tanning bulbs in all refrigerators, we’d all be the same color in a week.

Michelle Bachmann was ripped by GOP colleagues for accusing Hillary Clinton’s aide Huma of having secret ties to the Muslim Brotherhood. It’s just not true. For crying out loud, the girl is married to Anthony Weiner, she doesn’t even have secret ties to her husband.

Burger King just fired teen workers who took photographs of their feet in the lettuce bin. Food vendors are exasperated. Last week Delta found needles in their food and today Chinese girls sit in coach sewing Olympic uniforms with ham sandwiches and thread.

Oprah Winfrey brought back the Oprah Book Club to her show Friday. She’s lost two hundred fifty million dollars since she moved to cable TV. Before last night’s show she asked her audience members to reach under their seats and all they found were collection envelopes.

Daily Variety said Hollywood movie executives aren’t worried that people will swear off going to movies due to the shooting attacks. They’re right. All they have to do turn the air conditioner down two degrees and every movie will be sold out in the month of August.

President Obama left the campaign trail Friday to monitor the Colorado shooting. He met with the top officials of the FBI and Homeland Security inside the White House. They wasted no time intercepting Sarah Palin’s mail to see if she’d put a target over Gotham City.

Syrian dictator Bashar Assad reportedly fled Damascus Thursday as his regime began tottering. Syria’s dictator could fall just a year after Egypt’s and Libya’s leaders fell. It’s been like this for Arab dictators ever since Goldman Sachs convinced them to go public.

Argus Hamilton