Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the owner of the only Chinese restaurant in Wasilla, Alaska, Chow Mein.
ANNOUNCER CHOW MEIN
Live from under wock in backyard, it The Jerry Duncwin Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Give me the microphone!
CHOW
You no fun.
JERRY
The owner of the only Chinese restaurant here in Wasilla, Alaska. Ladies and gentlemen — Chow Mein.
CHOW
Very nice be here.
JERRY
I always wondered. Why Wasilla for a Chinese restaurant?
CHOW
People tired of eating snowballs and Eskimo Pie. I serve hot meal like Wonton soup and Lo Mein. My wife is cook. She Lo Mein-tenance.
JERRY
Chinese food has been around a long time. Noodle soups date back to 2000 BC. Confucius discussed the principals of dining in 450 BCE. Imagine, folks.
CHOW
Confucius berry smart fella. He say, “man who get kicked in nuts left holding bag.”
CHOW
Chinese staple is rice, wheat, soy sauce, noodle, vegetable, bamboo shoot, and tofu.
JERRY
You forgot meat.
CHOW
You right. Duck, beef, and pork.
JERRY
Let me give you some advice. Don’t ever tell a pig a secret.
CHOW
Why?
JERRY
Because they love to squeal.
CHOW
You funny man, Duncwin. You could be opening act at Frozen Giggles.
JERRY
I love your food. Been a customer for many years. Last week, however, my fortune cookie was missing the piece of paper inside.
CHOW
Run out of sayings. That unfortunate. Do you want saying to make you feel better?
JERRY
Yes.
CHOW
“I can not help you. I just a cookie.”
JERRY
Tickle your ear with a wet noodle, you idiot.
JERRY
I understand famous people have visited your restaurant.
CHOW
Yes. Chinese President Xi here three years ago.
JERRY
Why was he in town?
CHOW
Catching bats for Wuhan lab. Say something like he need for coronavirus.
JERRY
The man is a dingbat.
CHOW
That what I told him. But Xi not mad. In fact, he share secret.
JERRY
Give me an exclusive.
CHOW
Okay. He doesn’t take dump…it’s Pooh! And call Russian president Winnie the Putin.
JERRY
Xi is dangerous. Do you know the difference between a nuclear-ravaged wasteland and Hong Kong?
CHOW
No cwue.
JERRY
The amount Xi had been drinking.
CHOW
Too bad Biden and Xi don’t get along. Always argue.
JERRY
It’s he said, Xi said. Chow Mein everyone. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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