Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/12/23

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about smuggled endangered fish fillets, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon: 

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

endangered fish
Frozen endangered fish fillets… yum!

Arizona Customs seizes endangered fish organs worth $2.7 million found in shipment of frozen fish fillets

Mrs. Paul, you have the right to remain silent …

Moms for Liberty co-founder admitting to threesome sparks backlash

… And really ought to have a sex book called the Karen Sutra.

Welsh couple bereft after bomb squad detonate ornamental garden missile

Good thing, I hear it was a Surface-to-Sleigh Missile.

Romney says he’d vote Biden over Trump

Biden: Told ya’ I was doing well with young people.

Ohtani goes to the Dodgers on a 10-year $700 million deal

So, in L.A. terms he’ll have barely enough to rent a 2 bedroom in Reseda, car port space separate …

Nick Cannon spends $200K a year taking his 12 kids to Disneyland

… It’s all that money he saves from not buying condoms.

Norman Lear gone at 101

He’s movin’ on up, movin’ on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky. God speed, sir.

RFK Jr. running as independent

… And pretty much, mostly independent of support from the rest of Kennedy family!

What Matt Rife’s baffling Netflix special tells us about comedy

C’mon, let’s face it; Dane Cook is the painting in Matt Rife’s attic.

House staffer swiftly changes locks on George Santos’ office

… Right after counting silverware in Capitol dining hall…

Indiana man found with handgun hidden in his rectum

Rectum, damn near killed him.

AARP members get early access to Rolling Stone tickets

… Well, they do have to leave early for their 8 PM bedtime.

Blake Shelton says he doesn’t miss “The Voice” — but he took home a surprising keepsake

And, we’re all rooting for him and Gwen Stefani!

U.S. payrolls rose 199,000 in November

Well, 198,999 … because, y’know, George Santos …

Paul Lander
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