Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews President Joe Biden about the Biden 2024 campaign.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY DUNCAN
Is it a good day in Wasilla, Alaska? Yes, it is. Today in studio my guest is President Joe Biden.
PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN
(shouts) No more Donald Jerk Trump. I will be the president again — Biden 2024!
JERRY
It’s a long way to November, Uncle Joe.
BIDEN
What’s in November?
JERRY
The election. Does November 5th ring a bell?
BIDEN
Yeah. Thanksgiving. Hey, too early in the morning to be pranked.
JERRY
Let me get you a cup of coffee so you think straight.
BIDEN
I drink a cup every day at Dunkin’ Donuts. You can’t go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin’ Donuts unless you have an Indian accent. I’m not joking. I imitate Gandhi when I pay at the register.
JERRY
Give us your best impression.
BIDEN
(Indian accent) Sir. I vant a large cobra. Does dat come vit a snake charmer?
JERRY
That’s great! You have a career in standup comedy if you lose the election. What brings you to the show?
BIDEN
Have an important announcement.
JERRY
Humor me.
BIDEN
This is an effing big deal. I’m dropping Camel, Kam, Lala, shucks I mean Kamala Harris from the ticket for another Veep. I’m serious.
JERRY
Wow. What a shock! Do you have someone in mind?
BIDEN
Your mother.
JERRY
My mother?! Maggie Duncan?
A loud thud is heard. Jerry faints.
BIDEN
Jerry! Jerry! Can you hear me?
Maggie Duncan interrupts in a call from heaven.
MAGGIE DUNCAN
President Biden. I’m so glad God loaned me out to you for 4 years. And don’t worry about Jerry. I’m still mad he bought me a nose hair trimmer for Mother’s Day when I was alive.
BIDEN
Yep. We don’t need Jerry.
Jerry awakens.
JERRY
Mother. You can’t help Biden get re-elected. You’re antagonistic and obnoxious. Those are MAGA Republican qualities.
MAGGIE
I’ve changed, Jerry. If I’m lying, I hope you drop dead.
BIDEN
Maggie is going to work with me, so I don’t shuffle. Makes me look old. I need to change after what happened last week.
JERRY
What?
BIDEN
I shuffled into an ice cream parlor. Ordered a banana split. The waitress asked, “Crushed nuts?”
No, arthritis. It was embarrassing.
MAGGIE
I’m also a good speech writer.
JERRY
C’mon. You can’t put two words together.
MAGGIE
I can. Wrote a speech for Joe’s next campaign stop in Kentucky.
Maggie reads part of the speech.
MAGGIE
Thank you for being here tonight. As you know, your Senator Mitch McConnell can’t be with us this evening for the dedication of another Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant. Mitch was hospitalized after a fall. Finally, he brought a motion to the floor. But thank goodness, he is resting comfortably watching his favorite movie Frozen. Or maybe reruns of the TV show Different Strokes. I can’t remember. Folks, Colonel Sanders achieved the American dream. Millions of buckets of chicken have clogged the arteries of Americans from coast to coast. 43 years after his death, KFC is removing the trans-fat from their menu. You know why? Because they want that bucket to pad your ass without clogging your arteries.
JERRY
Mother. You really are a smart ignoramus.
MAGGIE
Thank you, Jerry. You’re a chip off the old block.
JERRY
And with those depressing words, see you tomorrow if I don’t invite a polar bear to dinner. President Joe Biden and my mother Maggie Duncan.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
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