Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/4/24

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about a moon lander, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon: 

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

moon landing
Moon lander nearly “Lost in Space!”

Intuitive Machines almost lost its moon lander because they forgot to flip a switch before launch

Fortunately, someone thought fast and unplugged and plugged it back in.

Trump can’t pay full fraud bond

And, apparently, no one is picking up their phone in Mexico.

The U.S. just sold its helium stockpile

The announcement was made in a really funny voice.

“Republicans caught off guard by ‘prepared and disciplined’ Hunter Biden”

And they barely recognized him with his clothes on …

Nuclear missile found in US man’s garage

You know, the only way you stop a bad neighbor with a nuclear missile is with a good neighbor with a nuclear missile.

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones ordered to take DNA test in paternity case

Well, he has a lot in common with his QB, both need better protection!

Trump fan who assaulted officers with a hockey stick on Jan. 6 is sentenced to prison

Damn, the least they could’ve done was attack “American” and use a baseball bat.

Fugitive Kaitlin Armstrong caught after answering ad for a yoga instructor

Things got rough when they told her to assume the position and she was like ‘You’ve gotta be more specific.’

Roger Daltry turned 80

Now the lyrics are: ‘Tommy can you hear me? Do I need to speak up?!’

The CDC has dropped its 5-day COVID isolation guidelines

This doesn’t feel like something to sneeze at.

Ron DeSantis eyes a 2028 presidential campaign, as he moves on from 2024’s failure

His heels aren’t the only thing about him that’s high.

Miley Cyrus jokes she ‘might’ve forgotten underwear’ during ‘Flowers’ record of the year win at 2024 Grammys

Oh, c’mon, like she even owns underwear.

New Jersey businessman pleads guilty and agrees to cooperate in Sen. Bob Menendez’s corruption case

If Menendez was any more f$%ked, Jerry Falwell Jr. would be sitting in the corner watching.

GUARDIAN: Woman loses £650,000 injury claim after being seen tossing Christmas tree

… Now, that’s some pair of jingle balls on that lady …

Paul Lander
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