Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about “The Sopranos,” doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Famous booth from ‘The Sopranos’ final episode sells on eBay for $82,000

… Only problem, every meal ends disappointingly.

Florida surgeon general defies CDC recommendations as measles cases spread in the state

Coming soon to Disney World: ‘It’s a Smallpox World After all, After All.’

It’s National Multiple Personality Day

How are you?
And, you?
And, you?

Biden SOTU Speech receives high marks

And, two people had a happy ending: Biden for finishing a terrific speech and whomever sat next to Laureen Boebart.

The 2024 Oscars In Memoriam was a slap in the face to so many

Sounds like the 2024 Oscars In Memoriam will be in the 2025 Oscars In Memoriam.

Happy 59th Birthday, Dr Dre

… He’s now officially a member of NWAARP

Nikki Haley suspends Prez bid

… Pushing Dean Philip’s announcement right off page 10 of the newspapers.

Mike Tyson and Jake Paul will go toe-to-toe on July 20th at AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas

If they hit anything like the Cowboys do, no one’s gonna get hurt….

Russian troops use Chinese-made golf carts for assaults

… No wonder an hour later they feel like attacking again!

Miami-Dade County moves to evict Miami Seaquarium. And gives park until April to vacate.

Sounds fishy …

Americans having sex to save on heating bills amid surging utility costs

And they say romance is dead!

A syphilis outbreak is plaguing Las Vegas

Hey, you play the slots, you take your chances.

Wayward 450-pound pig named Kevin Bacon hams it up for home security camera

He’s 306 degrees separated from being delicious.

Santos to make surprise appearance at Capitol for State of the Union

Well, he is the Speaker, or so he says …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)