Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/29/24

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Victoria Beckham, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon: 

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Victoria Beckham
Victoria Beckham and her “girls.”

Spice Girls reunite for impromptu ‘stop’ performance at Victoria Beckham’s 50th birthday party

Now when Victoria tells you what ‘she wants, what she really, really, wants,’ it includes a nap …

Kari Lake bemoans fact that Arizona’s 1864 abortion ban is not being enforced

Who cares? It’s 1864! She doesn’t have a vote.

NFL Draft Day 2024 begins

… and the NY Jets are already mathematically eliminated from making the Super Bowl.

Biden again reads teleprompter instructions: ‘4 More Years … Pause’

On the upside, at least he can read.

Las Vegas teen whose family was ridiculed for calling 911 to report alien in backyard speaks out

… Instead of just giving the alien the phone and letting him call home.

Pecker testifies

When it came to Trump’s denials about not having sex with Stormy or Karen McDougal, Pecker served as an erection denier.

100,000 live salmon spill out of overturned truck in Oregon — and most end up swimming away in creek

Cue: Born Free.

Video shows moment country bad boy Morgan Wallen allegedly hurled chair off Nashville rooftop bar

… Talk about not grasping the gravity of the situation …

RNC Chair Lara Trump: ‘We have lawsuits in 81 States’

… My how the U.S has grown since Obama said there was 57.

Happy 84th birthday Al Pacino

Now when he screams ‘Hoo Ha,’ it’s probably to get rid of some phlegm.

Kristi Noem describes killing dog after bad hunting trip in new book

She will now be known as Governor Cruella Deville.

The average price of a single detached home in the Greater Los Angeles area is roughly $959,400

No word what homes in a relationship are going for …

Company that made millions of defective sleep apnea machines ordered to overhaul manufacturing

Now that’s a wake-up call!

BREAKING: 11 Arizona Trump fake electors indicted on state charges including former GOP state chair

… Although there’s a chance 7 of them are George Santos.

Paul Lander
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