[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Romney Attempts to Explain Himself: ’47 Percent Just Not All That Exceptional’

Says only way he could get that 47 percent would be if he was a poor, gay, black Latino woman

The Romney campaign is exploding this week and things seem to be going from bad to worse, after a video was leaked where he said that 47 percent of Americans pay no taxes and expect handouts.

romney and 47 percentRomney has now had to forego his criticisms of Obama to make room in his speeches to apologize for everything he’s said and done over the last two decades.

The big deal now is over the video, which shows Romney speaking to a bunch of rich guys, telling them exactly how he feels about the poor in this country.

In response to the criticism of the film, Mitt Romney says he is having a hard time understanding what all the fuss is about, as he claims he was just regurgitating most of what he and his business partners have been saying over lunch for years.

Romney was busy on the campaign trail Tuesday telling supporters he wasn’t sorry about the hidden tape that surfaced showing him as a callous businessman who admits his disdain for the disadvantaged.

“The only thing I’m truly sorry about,” said Romney, “is that American exceptionalism exists in a very few of us. The rest of Americans, about 47 percent, are, at best, ordinary. Ordinary, and because of that, poor.”

Romney did go on to say that regardless of how many people are poor in this country, he is not worried about them for any other reason except that they are going to vote for Obama one way or the other, because they are dependent on him for their monthly checks.

When asked how they can vote if they are refused on the basis of not having a picture ID, Romney denied having anything to do with that.

“That whole voter suppression thing is Karl Rove’s puppy,” he said. “I’ve got my own problems without having to take responsibility for that too.”

Later in the day, Romney spoke before a handful of wonky-eyed supporters at a pub in Rhode Island. He told the group that if he had been born a poor gay black Latino woman, he’d at least have half a fighting chance to stay in the race for President.

One of the drunks at the bar shouted to the empty barstool next to him, “Well, amigo, you look pretty good for a woman. I’d do you.”

Meanwhile, Wikipedia has announced that it has temporarily shut down Mitt Romney’s Wiki page, claiming they are spending too much money hiring fact checkers to keep up with all the new information exploding onto the page by Romney insiders, who are apparently finding that their source of hush money is drying up.

P. Beckert