Substack: This Story is Breaking News … Really!

,

I’m your reader-supported Substack News publication and I swear this story is Breaking News!

We’re Substack, and we totally get your frustration with the news lately.

You wake up, grab your phone off the bedside table, and start scrolling through your emails, anxious and unsure of what fresh hell awaits you. As usual, most of your emails are breaking news. Only now they’re breaking news on steroids.

SubstackSeems like everything is breaking news these days.

BREAKING NEWS: The president calls ex-head of DOGE a nasty man.

BREAKING NEWS: Ex-head of DOGE calls the president a pedo.

BREAKING NEWS: The vice-president changes mascara brands.

BREAKING NEWS: The White House Chief of Staff sleeps in a coffin in the White House basement.

Tossing the phone on the bed, you think back to the breaking news of your past. You know, when you were watching M*A*S*H or All in the Family with your sister, and then the show is interrupted with a clash of cymbals and a booming voice: “BREAKING NEWS. OIL TANKER COLLIDES WITH CARGO SHIP IN NORTH SEA! Or BREAKING NEWS. TWA FLIGHT 85 FROM L.A. TO SAN FRANCISCO HIJACKED!

You pine for the old days when news was loud and scary but real and you didn’t mind almost stroking out when it was announced. Realizing you’re in the middle of a Substack war for subscribers and they’re all calling wolf to get your attention and money, you vow to unsubscribe from all news sites.

Stop! Don’t go! We understand!

If every story is breaking news then none of them are, right? And we, the independent news media, aim to fix this. The following is a list that will help you separate real breaking news from bullshit breaking news. From now on, the subject line of your news emails should read something like this:

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!

This really is BREAKING NEWS!!!

We swear on our mother’s grave this is BREAKING NEWS!!!

As God is our witness, this is BREAKING NEWS!!!

Have we ever lied to you? BREAKING NEWS!!!

Okay, we lied once but we swear we’ll never do it again BREAKING NEWS!!!

Please forgive us for lying that one time BREAKING NEWS. :(

We’re on our knees begging you BREAKING NEWS. :P 

Like you never lied in your whole life BREAKING NEWS. #-(

Fine. Whatever. Read the other guys’ stuff breaking news but you’ll come crawling back. V:( 

We hope this helps you navigate the confusing world of news sources today. And if you liked this article, you can subscribe to our Substack at @substack/nobreakingnews/yourewelcome for only $5.99 a month.

We swear.

Gail Mackenzie-Smith
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