Unseen 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' - Peter Merkl, Humor Times

By Peter Merkl

Transcript of Un-aired S4 E53: “Celebrity Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.” Host: Jimmy Kimmel; Contestants: Zohran Mamdani, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

Kimmel: You guys are making this “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” game look easy! Your team is only three questions away from a million dollars [applause]. The next question is worth $250,000 [loud applause]!

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire Jimmy Kimmel — Image: millionaire.fandom.com/wiki.

But so far it’s been pretty easy, because I personally wrote all the previous questions and the answer to each was “Our Fascist-Stooge-Moron-President Donald Trump.” From here on out the questions were written by a staffer and they will be harder.

Before we get there, Zohran Mamdani, please tell us how you’ve succeeded in mainstreaming socialism in the financial capital of the world?

Mamdani: It’s very simple: It’s about love, Jimmy. I love everyone, and I long to lead us all to a glorious future of happiness and peace [standing ovation and cheering].

Kimmel: Beautiful. Now, please tell us a little about the charity you two lovable champions of the working-class have decided to donate your winnings to.

Mamdani: [long pause] That’s not how it works.

Kimmel: How what works?

Mamdani: [smiling warmly] Because New York will be the “Peoples’ City,” whatever is best for me, their Dear Leader, is obviously best for the people. Communist dictators always live in palaces while their people starve [murmurs].

Kimmel: But they’re communists. You’re a socialist.

Mamdani: [smiling reassuringly] Only until I seize the means of production. Lenin said, “The goal of socialism is communism.” You Americans are so spoiled by history that you no longer read it. Sandy and I are keeping all the money. You expect us to live among you proles and fly commercial? [gasps]

Ocasio-Cortez: Don’t cry for me New York City! I will fly private!

[Suddenly, there was a loud popping sound as one of the overhead stage lights burst. Mamdani reached into his jacket, pulled a handgun from a holster, dove into a shoulder roll, and came up firing, shooting out two more lights. An NYPD security team surrounded Mamdani and Ocasio-Cortez and rushed them offstage. After calm was restored, the pair returned.]

Ocasio-Cortez: [gazing at Mamdani] Zoey, that was amazing! You’re amazing!

Kimmel: I thought you wanted to take New Yorkers’ guns away?

Mamdani: I will take their guns away.

Kimmel: I thought you wanted to defund the NYPD?

Mamdani: I will defund their police officers, but I’ll need a strong police force, fiercely loyal only to me, to enforce compliance and suppress opposition. It goes back to the Dear Leader thing. Move on to the next question.

Ocasio-Cortez: No history questions please.

Kimmel: Why not?

Ocasio-Cortez: To us Millennials, history is what happened to others. [laughter]

Kimmel: But that’s what makes it…

Mamdani: [pulls off his shoe and pounds it on the podium shouting] I will bury you! Next question! Now!

Kimmel: Yeesh! You seemed like such a cuddly Commie when you got here.

Mamdani: You think a cuddly guy has the stones to destroy the bourgeoisie? Next question, you useful idiot!

Kimmel: Who are you calling a …? Alright, Trotsky, I’ve got a question for you, how is freezing rents going to solve the housing crisis in New York? Who’s gonna build new housing if rents are frozen?

Mamdani: I’m not in the business of solving problems; I’m in the business of seizing power [boos and hisses]!

Kimmel: Why are you being so honest about your intentions? Don’t socialists have to hide all this stuff until they’re in power?

Ocasio-Cortez: Zoey, honey, maybe we shouldn’t tell the whole truth until…

Mamdani: Silence! I won the Democratic primary in New York City; the epicenter of “Vote Blue No Matter Who!” It’s lousy with nepo babies, trust fund terrorists, Riesling revolutionaries, and useful idiots, like you! I can’t lose! I’m tired of hiding! [Mamdani raises his arms, looks to the sky, and shakes his fists screaming] Destroy the bourgeoisie!! Defund the police!! Abolish private property!! Next question, you billionaire bastard, or you’re headed for the Gulag [audience files out]!

Kimmel: Alright, alright! Calm down. For $250,000:

‘Globalize the Intifada’ is a phrase that encourages violence against which religious group? A. Christians B. Hindus C. Buddhists D. Jews.

Ocasio-Cortez: I know this! I know this!

Mamdani: Silence!

Kimmel: Hey Zoey, you can phone a friend here on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. What about Democrat Senate Minority Leader, Chuck Schumer or maybe Democrat House Minority Leader, Hakeem Jeffries?

Mamdani: They don’t take my calls. Bring me the Jew who wrote this question. [pounds podium with shoe while screaming] Bring me the dirty…[end]

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