[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Places Bounty on Taylor Swift

Swifties warned to steer clear of Super Bowl after Trump’s team put out a bounty on the superstar.

Former President Donald J. Trump announced at a pro-white rally in Charlottesville, Virginia on Monday that he has placed a cash bounty on pop superstar Taylor Swift, whom he called “America’s most dangerous skirt.”

Trump Places Bounty on Taylor Swift
Taylor Swift. Photo: Eva Rinaldi, flickr.com, CC BY-SA 2.0.

Despite a prevailing rumor saying that the proposed sanction was lethal in nature, Trump spokesman Reichsfuhrer Steven Miller walked it back, stating that the idea is to “sell this chick into white slavery.”

Reportedly, Trump operative Steve Bannon has been in touch with Saudi strongman Mohammad bin Salman, who has agreed to take the 34-year-old singer/songwriter “off Trump’s hands.”

After she is seized “by patriots,” she will be relocated to a private palace in the Maldives, home to an additional 150 beautiful women, where she will “just wait her turn” for an “audience” with the Crown Prince. The transaction, which was mediated by Trump son-in-law Jared Kushner, reportedly involves the transfer of $2 billion to Kushner and to the Trump legal defense fund.

In a post on his media platform Truth Social, Trump said that the size of said bounty is still under discussion. But he said he expects it to “reflect the prevailing minimum wage.”

Taylor Swift has received her fair share of acclaim, even notoriety. Time magazine named her 2023’s Person of the Year. “That’s nothing,” scoffed Trump. “I’ve been Man of the Year at least 40 times! I’m very rich, too,” he added.

Trump exponents have been very vocal in their criticism of Swift.

Broadcaster Mike Crispi, MC at the execution of a Black man at a Texas prison last week, stated unequivocally that Swift and her beau, Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, are up to no good. Kansas City’s victory over the Baltimore Ravens last Sunday, he claimed, “was rigged.” Trump agreed, claiming that the officials working the game “counted Chiefs’ points more than once,” and during half-time, the scorekeeper “changed Ravens’ points into Chiefs’ points. The Ravens,” said Trump, “were winning by a landslide!”

The ex-president and his acolytes also had harsh words for Kelce, who recently did a commercial for Pfizer for a Covid vaccine. “I already cured the Kung Flu,” claimed Trump. And with regard to the tight end’s recent ad for Bud Light, Trump booster Ron DeSantis remarked that he knew that the romance was bogus, because “Obviously, Kelce is transgender.” Taylor Swift reportedly laughed out loud at this.

Bill Tope
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