[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

47 Percent Distancing Themselves from the 99% of Which 52% Don’t Identify With the One Percent

We’re 77 percent sure this article will clarify things for about 47 percent of you

The lines between the haves and have nots are still a bit blurry, meaning the 1% pretty much have it all, while the rest of us don’t. However, the lines between the haves less, the haves more but not as much, the 47 percent, the have nots, and the basically screwed are still a bit unclear and need to be scrutinized closely, in order to determine who is going to vote for whom in November.

Originally, the 99% were represented by Occupy Wall Street protesters who believed that they were paying for the mistakes the top 1% made as they worked on taking all the wealth in the land and investing it in high-yield CDs at a measly rate of around 1.50%. (Not really—they are getting a much higher rate on their investments if you consider the lower percentage rate they are paying in taxes—we’re like 99.9% sure of that).

Anyway, the 99% eventually fizzled out to around 2 or 3% who really hung in there and gave a crap, while the other 96% packed up their tents, went home and began bitching on the internet. Because the majority of that 96% refused to answer polls asking them what percentage they think they belong to, the only thing we can be sure of is that the 32% of those that fall into the basically screwed category are still basically screwed.

Of course, of the total 96 percent, presidential candidate Romney originally claimed that 47 percent are shiftless and are living off the rest of America. However, he has since flip flopped on that and has told Americans he is “for” 100 percent, which doesn’t add up, because no one at this point is really sure if he is talking about the 47 percent in addition to 52 percent, as well as the top .01 percent, or the top 1 percent (without the extra zero) who refuse to give up a dime to help anyone in the 99 percent, leaving the 52 percent to fend for the 47 percent.

Meanwhile, the polls indicate that 48% are planning to vote for Romney after 67% claim he won the first presidential debate, and surprisingly, 48% are planning to vote for Obama, even though only 23% declared Obama the winner. This leaves 4% (not counting the 10% who didn’t answer the debate question) who are still not sure who they are voting for.

But, if you add that 4% to the 96% who continue to support Occupy Wall Street, we end up with 100% of Americans who absolutely agree they are totally fed up with the election and could care less who wins just as long as they can return to their regularly scheduled programs.

P. Beckert