[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Special Report: Can Secessionists Succeed with Secede Plan?

‘It’s a secede seed, see?’ says Sasess Shunn, secession expert

The election is over. The winners won, and the losers lost. Time to move on. Learn to govern together… right? No crazy secede talk?

Wrong. It ain’t over ’til the fat Rove shrieks.

secede secession
Corporate States of America? States with secession petitions.

“No way,” say many defiant, proud Americans. They are ready to secede from the union, splitting off to form their own country. You’d be forgiven for wondering, is that because it went so well last time?

Yes, petitions in 22 states have been started on the White House’s own whitehouse.gov website, called “We the People.” They are demanding the right secede, and become, well, no one quite knows what — “The Other America”? “America II: The Sequel”? “Real America”?

77,000 people have signed a petition in Texas, but Gov. Rick Perry, who once “joked” about seceding, said he doesn’t approve. “That was so 2009,” said Perry. It’s a different time now. The president has been re-elected, and we need to face reality.”

“Besides, Newt’s got a plan to colonize the moon, and true Americans are truly adventurous,” he added. “It’s time we move on to a new frontier!”

Rep. Michelle Bachmann embraced Perry’s plan, saying, “I barely squeaked by this time anyway, it may be time to start looking toward a new future.” Later, she embraced Perry, whispering, “You don’t know what it’s like, living with my husband. Take me, Rick, please, take me!”

Newly un-elected Rep. Todd Akin asked, “If the votes for Obama were legitimately traitorous, we could shut the whole thing down, right? We all know they were. They purposely voted for the enemy!”

In related news, corporations are already vying for the naming rights for the newly seceded country.

James Israel
Social media