[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Corporations Vie for Naming Rights for Newly Seceding Country

More business-friendly environment sought

Most Americans would agree that a split of the union would be disastrous. But another way to see it — as the newly formed “National Chamber of Commerce” does — is that disasters can spell opportunity. For example, a brand new country may need creative funding sources, like naming rights.

The new Chamber, made up of all the same corporate members as are represented in the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, sees an opportunity to form a much more business-friendly version of America.

Naming Rights Colbert for President
Colbert for President poster by Andze J. Steweiner.

Along with the Chamber, the nation’s largest corporations and banks have immediately started bidding on naming rights for towns and counties, as well as water and mineral rights, should these states succeed in seceding.

They also have proposed a name for the new country: The “Corporate States of America.”

And they have selflessly offered to come up with a list of “highly qualified candidates” for the new political and government posts that would need to be filled.

“In the interests of efficient government, the processes for bill writing, selection and passage will be streamlined, along with promotions to leadership roles, according to the best corporate practices,” said Stephen Colbert, first CEO of the newly formed Corporate States of America.

“This will mean the end of deadlock, and a new day for the C.S.A!” He then started a chant, as other members joined in, slowly at first, then faster and faster: “C.S.A! C.S.A! C.S.A! C.S.A! C.S.A! C.S.A!!!”

The Chamber also recommends new rules for more efficient elections. “We don’t want to look like that crazy old America, with their dysfunctional voting system, do we?” asked Colbert.

There are many innovations, such as the “We’ll Vote for You” programs initiated recently by many caring companies. “It makes voting a snap!” is their motto. “No more wasting time away from work. We know who you would vote for. We’ll take care of it,” says a brochure from one such company. “After all, you know we know everything about you! See you on Facebook later, OK? We’ll tell you how you voted.”

If a citizen should insist on voting for himself, he or she will be permitted to either phone it in or send it in an email.

“If you’re going to secede, you may as well create a better product,”  said Florida Gov. Rick Scott, while running a giant “purge machine” behind him, which was currently cleaning up the voting roles for that state. “It’s like an athlete getting in shape,” Scott said, “After the purge, Florida will be a lean, mean voting machine!”

“And we’ll be rich, too. I’ve already arranged naming rights for the state. Welcome to ‘Viagrastan’!”

“A better country is a more efficient country. We must reduce waste when it comes to voting. If we need fewer physical places to vote, we save on resources. Like light, heat, rentals, machine maintenance, as well as all the fuel wasted by citizens getting to the polling place,” said the governor.

“If citizens insist, of course, they  may go to designated locations and enter their votes on touch screens we’ll provide.”

The latest in voting technology, these machines have an “Auto-Vote” feature for the harried modern citizen’s convenience.

“Whoever picked Tuesday as voting day anyway?” asked Governor Scott. “Voting during the week is such a hassle. So we’re doing everything we can to help the voter, and to expedite the process.”

If the voter still insists on being able to pick their own choices, they can pull the handy “Let Me Decide” lever on the machine. A trap door then opens below them, and they are deposited at the end of a 10 mile line of people, in a conveniently dark tunnel (“so tired voters can rest”).

Proponents of this brave new “corporate democracy” say they only want the best for their country.

CEO and future presidential candidate of the fledgling country, Stephen Colbert, explained: “The best people to run the country are the ones with the most cumulative experience, and that is not just any person, it’s a corporate person! After all, if corporate persons were allowed to hold seats in Congress, each seat would then have the collective wisdom of several leaders of the community — the board members of that corporation. And we’re only too happy to serve.”

In related news: secessionists hope to succeed with secede petitions.

James Israel
Social media