[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

John Boehner Suffering from ‘Walking Nervous Breakdown’

Doctor says it could be the key to understanding Boehner

Sources close to the White House say that they would have a debt deal today if it weren’t for the obstinate stand by John Boehner in refusing to allow even the most reasonable plan to come up for vote in the House.

W-we s-s-still d-don’t h-have a d–d-deal…

No one in their right mind would let the country fall over the fiscal cliff, especially since both sides are pretty close to a deal, but it seems that may be just what Boehner is intending.

“And that,” says one physician who has been treating Boehner for other small ailments, “may be because John is suffering from what we call in the medical industry a ‘walking nervous breakdown.’”

Dr. Henry Jefferson, who takes care of Boehner in Washington, explained that just like people can walk around with pneumonia and not know it, i.e. walking pneumonia, there are many people walking around with mental breakdowns and aren’t aware anything is seriously wrong with them.

“They appear to act normally, but small signs to the trained physician eye can give them away. A small eye twitch, a bit more slur in the speech pattern, an obstinate unwillingness to compromise, these are all signs of walking nervous breakdown.”

Asked if gone untreated, it would develop into a full blown neurosis, the doctor said that it was difficult to say. He did comment on the fact that he hadn’t seen Boehner cry in a while and that is always a good sign, but that if things kept going the way they are, it wouldn’t be long before he’d be back blubbering like a baby again.

“All I can tell you is that I’ve advised Mr. Boehner that he should seriously consider getting this debt thing wrapped up as soon as possible, regardless of whether or not he pleases everyone in his bunch, because if he doesn’t, it very well could lead to a complete nervous breakdown.”

P. Beckert