The Non-Booby Barbie

Mattel downsizes Barbie, to every boy’s chagrin

A while back, Mattel Inc. announced that it would be ‘downsizing’ their trademark symbol, their meal ticket, the Barbie doll.

What do women have to live up to anymore?

Barbie, that picture-perfect plastic woman doll who represented many a young girl’s dreams of femininity. “Downsizing” in this respect means that her famous hourglass figure — the dimensional stuff many would-be Playboy bunnies dreams are made of — were reduced to a less intimidating size.

The new, supposedly improved, Barbie was more anatomically correct, meaning she no longer inspired feelings of inferiority in lesser-endowed girls who play with her by having her assets (and arse) reduced. Her famous Everest-sized breasts were deflated and she tried to appear more normal (read ‘boring’). Long has been the decry of feminists that she set either too high of standards of womanly perfection or else the wrong standards all together. Mattel finally decided to comply and did a major liposuction on her wares.

So sad…

All of which left nothing for we males to rest our fantasies upon. Many of us grew up with her as the ideal of the woman we would someday have as our mate (or at least hopefully at least once in a lifetime mate with). It was Barbie-esque or nothing else. She was the utopian female (so was Pamela Anderson at that time) — the stuff wet dreams are made of.

It is because of this that I propose that Mattel return Barbie to her original Cleopatra-like glory, by producing a whole new Barbie that is not confined to the ideals of a limiting ‘politically correct’ mode.

barbieI recommend that they make a Barbie 2013 doll to reflect that modern female who lets it all out. Stack her with all the things that modern engineering can do. Give her erotically enhanced thighs so tight you couldn’t pass a piece of paper through them. Make her breasts even bigger than before, ones that wiggle when she’s shaken.

Instead of that All-American Cupie smile of hers, give her Sophie Loren lips with an insinuating Sharon Stone sneer. Give her buttocks that would show up on radar screens. Put legs on her that look as though they have ballistic power. Make her the mother of all sex sirens, or perhaps at least the younger sister.

Instead of those cutesy, high school type clothes she normally wears, have Victoria Secret design her new outfits — lacy and racy red underwear, push up bras, stiletto high heels. Let her really go!

Get rid of those flashy accessories — the tennis rackets, sports cars, new dinettes — they are totally blahs-ville! Get down to the real nitty-gritty! How about a “Barbie’s Dungeon of Forbidden Desires”? Put Barbie-trademarked mirrored ceilings, edible underwear and domination whips on the market. Make her earn those black fishnet stockings of hers!

The old Barbie was perhaps a dream of femininity too impossible for many girls who were too insecure about their own developing sex appeal to attain. Then again, maybe she was more of an ideal to shoot for than a given to be taken for granted. It’s much easier to keep an hourglass figure when you’re made out of plastic, only 7 inches tall and never have to eat anything, than when you are flesh and blood and addicted to Gelatoes.

Now, if young girls were over-awed by Barbie, how much more so for guys who had to match up to Ken, Barbies eternal sidekick?

He was the epitome of 1960’s JFK-type handsomeness and virility. How were we to live up to his correctness, his perfect physique?

Did Ken ever have to deal with having zits on his plastic hide? Did ever have problems with breaking wind at socially inconvenient times? Are there any fillings in that everlasting, dashing smile of his?

Perhaps a downgraded version of Ken is also forthcoming.

How about ‘Kinky Ken,’ complete with leather harness and other accessories of submission, all in black cow hide, with studs? Kids could make endless varieties of fun with him and ‘Bitchin’ Barbie.’ With Mattel’s imagination, I suppose they could come up with all sorts of fun, expensive must-have accessories designed so as to drive families into debt to pay for them all!

Roger Freed