[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

North Korean Missiles Powered by Diet Coke and Mentos

A long range missile shot by North Korea over Japan on Sunday turned out to be a giant tube filled with Mentos and Diet Coke

A missile shot Sunday sent fear through the Asian nations that perceive North Korea as a wild card, capable of anything.

north korea rocket
North Korean rocket. Image by fussell-yo.

Country leader Kim Jong Un claimed that the missile merely sent a communications satellite into orbit, but most believe that it was really a test of their long range missile capabilities. US and South Korean surveillance personnel stated that no such satellite could be detected and that the missile fell into the Pacific.

In the debris of the rocket, the Navy has recovered a tennis ball with television antennas sticking out of it, believed to be the alleged “satellite.”

Intelligence specialists began to suspect something was afoot when North Korea, a fervently anti-capitalist nation, suddenly began ordering large amounts of Mentos and Diet Coke in bulk containers. It is well known to science communities and nerds everywhere that these are the prime ingredients needed to make really rad bottle rockets.

Military specialists speculate that the North Koreans, being in a country that is so controlled and poor, have to get their kicks somehow, so they shoot off missiles and make claims of having nuclear weapons, then sit back and giggle themselves silly watching the other nations wet themselves over it.

Most agree that it is Un himself that is behind the ideas and he finds it a cheaper form of entertainment for his people than making movies or creating television shows. He also believes it is good military strategy to occasionally goose the western world with large scale threats, so that they continue to believe that a country where its people sometimes have to eat grass to survive, that does not allow cell phones or international travel, and whose main sources of external income is illustrating cartoon movies, is actually a threat to anyone.

Japan has made an international appeal to the UN to repudiate the rogue nation over the shot and also demanded reparations to clean up a trail of slimy Diet Coke that has been spewed across the nation. North Korea has not responded to this, but surveillance teams have detected what sounds like suppressed snickering coming across the airwaves.

In related news, it has been found out that the Kim Jong Il puppet in the movie Team America was actually played by the Glorious Leader himself. That explains the unusually wooden performance.

Roger Freed