[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg Bans Politeness

Bloomberg says his action, like the soda ban, will be good for New Yorkers, since releasing anger is healthy

Propelled by the success of his recent soda ban, Mayor Bloomberg banned politeness today in all five New York City boroughs. “What makes this city so great are it’s inconsiderate residents,” Mr. Bloomberg said in a statement at City Hall. He then whispered to an assistant, “hurry up with my lousy Fiji Water.”

Mayor Bloomberg Angry
Mayor Bloomberg: Angry Enough To Ban Politeness For All New Yorkers.

Mayor Bloomberg went on to insist that in the event a New Yorker made a thoughtful gesture, he’d have no choice but to “give the perpetrator the electric chair.” Dr. Sanjay Gupta, CNN’s Chief Medical Correspondent, who also spoke at the press conference, said he supports the ban, since double-blind medical studies prove insolence boosts public health. “Curse at a bag lady,” he said. “Skip the line at Magnolia Bakery. Shock a cop with his own stun gun. It all decreases the likelihood of a heart attack.”

Many New Yorkers protested the news in Union Square today, carrying signs that read “pardon me” and “much obliged.” Others went so far as to hurry to get every last bit of politeness out of their systems. A meth addict helped a grandma cross the street. A street vendor offered reasonably priced patchouli oil. A cab driver obeyed the speed limit. To many residents it seemed like pandemonium.

Meanwhile, outside the city, very few Americans seemed impressed by all the hoopla. Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh reportedly stated, “politeness is banned in NYC. Wait…that’s news?”

Still other residents made preparations in case politeness makes a comeback. Will Jinx, a collectibles dealer, admitted to stocking up on thank-you notes, get-well-soon cards, and gifts that frequently appear on wedding registries. “A year from now I’ll resell all this junk on EBAY,” he said. “And if customers want a refund…sorry suckers!” He further suggested he hoped to screw customers in a way that would make Bloomberg proud.

Finally, one New Yorker got a head start on the ban. Andrew Dice Clay had this to say to an aspiring swimsuit model, “Hey sweet-tits…wanna play with my tutti-frutti?” She continued to walk away, clearly offended. “What?” Dice went on. “I gotta be rude. Bloomberg says it’s the goddamn law!”

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Matt Nagin is an author, educator, actor, filmmaker and standup comedian. He has been published in Writer's Digest, The New York Post, .Mic, The Humor Times, The Higgs-Weldon, Grain Magazine, Arsenic Lobster, Spillway, Dash, Antigonish Review and many, many more. He also wrote and directed his first short film, "Inside Job," which premiered at The Mediterranean Film Festival Cannes, where it won Best Short Film. More info at mattnagin.com.