[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Michael Bloomberg Campaign Strategy Revealed: Become Trump’s Evil Twin

On hand for the Michael Bloomberg campaign kickoff was a small, incredibly lukewarm crowd of quasi-supporters.

Michael Bloomberg, the latest entry into the 2020 race, kicked off his campaign yesterday with a stop in Norfolk, Virginia. On hand was a small, incredibly lukewarm crowd of quasi-supporters, most of whom were paid an exorbitant fee to attend.

Michael BloombergAs supporters entered the facilities, they were searched extensively by local police. Bloomberg, watching this process from the stage, remarked, “I’ve already apologized for Stop and Frisk. That said, at campaign events, it’s an absolute necessity.” At that, the only three African-Americans in attendance were promptly dragged off to jail.

Bloomberg faces a bit of a quandary. In order to make the debate stage in December, he will need 4% of the vote. He’s not there. Not close. Of course, that doesn’t seem to bother him in the slightest. “It’s not a problem,” he said. “Worst case, I’ll buy the fans I need. A billion here, a billion there. When you’ve got 54 billion, it’s not like the fact that everyone hates your goddamn guts can stand in your way.”

Mr. Bloomberg kept his speech short, and, all throughout, really, seemed so bored that his staff was worried he might put himself to sleep. His key emphasis was on recycling trite talking points on gun control and climate change. About the only original message he delivered, in a twenty-minute speech, was his interest in establishing a national Soda Ban (based on his failed Soda Ban policy while Mayor of New York City). “Sugar,” Bloomberg said. “It’s a bigger threat to national security than North Korea.” While Bloomberg won’t admit it publicly, when we spoke backstage, he suggested the soda ban was part of a larger program of social engineering he’s adapted from the novel Brave New World. For example, in the future, Bloomberg hopes to ban cheering at football games and to make it a hate crime to vote for any candidate other than himself.

As per what differentiates him from other Democratic hopefuls, Michael Bloomberg feels only he can stop the menace that is Donald Trump. “It’s amazing Trump was ever elected. What are his qualifications? That he’s a billionaire? Please!” At this, reporters looked perplexed. Finally, one was bold enough to ask what we all were thinking: “But people could say the same thing about you Mr. Bloomberg?” “Nonsense,” Bloomberg replied. “I’m not corrupt. I don’t cut corners. Okay, I changed NYC law so I could be elected Mayor three times. But I’m telling you, I’m really not corrupt!”

As more questions followed, Bloomberg found it increasingly challenging to differentiate himself from Donald Trump. Indeed, the more he spoke, the more he sounded like Trump’s evil twin. He gasped, he stammered; incessantly, he seemed to clutch for straws. “At least I won’t be on Twitter all day,” Bloomberg said, finally. “No. I’ll be too busy sharing baking recipes on Pinterest!”

This did not help his case all that much, particularly since, moments later, he admitted he had no idea how to cook. He had three professional chefs on staff and hadn’t so much as microwaved a hot pocket since 1973.

Sensing he was losing the crowd, Bloomberg quickly shifted gears, figuring it best to play the race card. “How about this?” Bloomberg tried. “In my administration, there will be no Muslim Ban. Soda, yes. Happiness, possibly. Muslims, never!” Inspiring! Still, whether this will cajole Democrats to hurry out and vote for him remains to be determined.

Matt Nagin
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