[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Pandemic Forces California Governor to Ban Group Sex

“Adult films are vital to the local economy,” Newsom said. “But, right now, group sex is just too dangerous.”

VAN NUYS, CA — Gov. Gavin Newsom announced new regulations today, shutting down group sex within the adult entertainment industry. “Adult films are vital to the local economy,” the Governor said. “But, right now, group sex is just too dangerous.”

group sex is just too dangerousThe Covid-19 pandemic has spread like wildfire around the globe, forcing closures in a wide-range of industries. It was only a matter of time until the adult industry would be hit too. “My advice to porn stars out there,” said Mia Khalifa, “is to act more like web cam models. Lots of lonely guys, right now, who need that more personal interaction.”

During his hour-long press conference, Gov. Newsom admitted to meeting with the leaders of the porn industry, Larry Flynt, Dolcer Holding, even a representative from Bang Bros Studios. Together, after much wrangling, they agreed, in the interest of protecting the public, to ban group sex of all types — threesomes, orgies, gang bangs, college girls gone wild — you name it. Solo masturbation sequences, however, are permitted, “provided they are filmed with tasteful mood lighting.”

Reactions throughout the porn community have been mixed. LusciousSara, a camgirl on Firecam said, “business is booming. Yee-haw!” Riley Reid, who won an AVN award, and earns a sizeable portion of her income from group sex, meanwhile, seemed less than thrilled. “How am I going to survive?” she asked. “I mean seriously…my hand is going to get tired!”

In addition to emphasizing through charts and graphs the many reasons solo masturbation sequences will restrict the spread of the virus, Newsom stressed that performers in traditional guy-girl sequences must remain at least six feet away from each other. “No exceptions,” the Governor said, pointing out that the National Guard had been called in to make sure porn stars worked together from opposite ends of the room.

Finally, Newsom emphasized that a porn star should never ask his partner to swallow his respiratory droplets. “It’s a public health hazard,” he said. “Not as bad as droplet swapping… that’s really egregious. But droplet swallowing is hazardous enough.” Brett Hall, VP of Operations at Pornhub, was too busy dying of pneumonia to comment.

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