Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews internationally famous immunologist Dr. Anthony Fauci.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is internationally famous immunologist Dr. Anthony Fauci.
JERRY
Good morning, Dr. Fauci.
DR. ANTHONY FAUCI
Glad to be with you, Mr. Duncan.
JERRY
We look to you for advice on eliminating the coronavirus. When do you think that will happen?
FAUCI
I don’t have a crystal ball. We see a flattening of the curve in the states of Washington and California. Even New York City is getting better. But this could go through the end of May.
JERRY
May? Trump said we need to open up the economy April 30th. He’s getting impatient. You could be fired.
FAUCI
Let the president have a temper tantrum. I’ll tell him, “Bacha ma culo. Kiss my ass.”
JERRY
Trump said that short people like you can use Legos for steps and not break a sweat.
FAUCI
Oh yeah? Trump is so fat that when I asked him to touch his toes he said, “What are those?” I’ve worked for presidents Reagan to Obama. Because of their encouragement and assistance, I helped solve the Ebola and HIV viruses. George W. Bush honored me with the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
JERRY
Speaking of medals. Did you hear about the speed skater who won a gold medal last winter in North Dakota?
FAUCI
No.
JERRY
He had it bronzed.
FAUCI
Can I respond? I know a little something about mental illness.
Jerry’s cell phone rings with caller id.
JERRY
Sorry, Four Eyes. Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is on the line. I’m going to put her on speaker.
ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ
Can you hear me? Jerry? Jerry? What’s da matta you? Answer me!
JERRY
Hear you loud and clear.
CORTEZ
Trump is insane! My peeps are outta work and he doesn’t care. Where’s the unemployment checks? Where’s the SBA loans to small businesses for coronavirus? Things are so bad, I can’t even get a tattoo.
JERRY
Your tattoos are outrageous.
CORTEZ
You may not like my tattoos, but at least I can cover them up. Your face on the other hand…
JERRY
I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.
FAUCI
You two are wasting time arguing. Every minute is precious, so let’s rip Trump.
CORTEZ
Who is that wise cracker?
JERRY
Dr. Fauci. The immunization guy.
CORTEZ
The immigration guy? If a cop stops me and says “papers.” And I say “scissors.” Do I win?
JERRY
Back to the Trumpster. He doesn’t believe in science.
CORTEZ
He doesn’t believe in climate change.
FAUCI
He said we have coronavirus under control. It’s one person coming in from China.
JERRY
That’s a lie. There’s an old Chinese saying. “Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.”
CORTEZ
Trump could have used the powers under the Defense Product Act to mobilize the production of medical supplies like ventilators, surgical gloves and gowns to save lives.
JERRY
He should of and didn’t.
CORTEZ
I’m not a doctor, but I’m going to put on one of those gloves and shove my hand up the Trumpster’s rear. What do you think, Doc?
FAUCI
Well. That would certainly nip things in the butt.
JERRY
You have a lot on your plate, Dr. Fauci.
FAUCI
Yes. I’m going to brainwash Trump.
JERRY
How do you do that?
CORTEZ
Give him an enema.
FAUCI
She’s correct.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.
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