New DIMM head tasked with combating COVID-19
Donald Trump today announced the appointment of ardent supporter and long-time contributor Graham Crocker to head the US Department of Innovative Medieval Methodology, otherwise known as DIMM, which will be tasked with combating COVID-19.
“DIMM was originally created during the Dick Cheney administration,” Trump explained, “by modern-day crusadists investigating medieval torture techniques and etiquette. Their motto was: ‘What would Machiavelli do?'”
“With the coronavirus crisis it’s once again time for DIMM to look backwardly at history for traditional innovative solutions to our modern day problems. What’s really needed is more conservative sense less hysteria and misinformation!”
“Supposedly you can learn a lot from history,” the president continued, “which makes Graham Crocker the perfect leader for DIMM. Just like that phone call of mine was perfect. Absolutely and tremendously perfect! And you can trust me on that because all of my phoney calls are perfect! I mean phone calls.”
Following Trump’s introductory remarks, Crocker himself addressed the media.
“I’ve spent the last twenty years of my life traveling from town to town as a professional medieval impersonator at various renaissance fairs across our nation. I’m sure many of you recognize me as the host of that hugely popular renaissance festival game show Family Feudal. And I think that makes me uniquely qualified to lead DIMM into the 21st century. ‘SURVEY SAYETH!'”
“Under my leadership DIMM will be investigating a wide variety of medieval medical methods and practices. Some of the most popular of these, such as fart jars and urine baths, might seem quite backward and bizarre by today’s standards, but you must remember that people back then were not as sophisticated as we are nowadays, and golden showers hadn’t been invented yet. Even so, there are a number of remedies and treatments from the Middle Ages that we feel the general public might derive some real benefit from.”
“One of these is self-flagellation. We’re recommending that everybody who catches the coronavirus should start whipping themselves immediately. It won’t help treat the illness, but anyone who gets sick deserves a good beating for making the president look bad.”
“Another promising therapy involves shaving the rear end of a live chicken, and then attaching it directly to your armpit or groin. To hold it in place, a small dab of superglue can be applied. Medieval doctors believed that pressing the bare ass of a live chicken against a patient’s skin might possibly siphon off the sickness into the chicken’s body. Of course it doesn’t work, but we’re recommending it anyway because having a live chicken attached to your armpit or groin is one of the best ways to insure social-distancing.”
“We’ll also be exploring many other medieval medical options, including prayer, astrology and the occult, as well as various miraculous potions, spells and lucky charms.”
“They’re magically delicious!” added Trump.
“There is one other final solution that we’ve been studying very carefully,” concluded Crocker, “It’s a time-honored remedy that us conservatives have been successfully employing throughout history: Kill all the troublemakers!”
A stunned silence followed, which was only broken when one brave reporter asked: “And how do you know who the troublemakers are?”
It was President Trump himself who answered. “That’s easy. Just find out who wants universal healthcare, racial equality, fair elections and free speech. Those are the real troublemakers!”