The Boston Marathon Bomber’s First Day in Jihadist Heaven

Tamerlan Tsarnaev, the Boston Marathon bomber killed by Boston police, was freshly arrived in the Heaven promised for Jihadist fighters. A guide was there to help him get established.

“Hello, Mr. Tsarnaev. I am here to help you find your place in heaven.”

Tamerlan was still a little woozy from leaving his body so quickly after being shot and then run over by his own brother in the shootout with the cops. “Oh…oh…wait a minute…I am in heaven?”

72 virgins for Boston Marathon Bomber
What he thought he was getting. Illustration from

“Yes, brother, you are indeed! This is the heaven promised to all Jihadist fighters who die fighting the enemies of Islam. If you follow me I will lead you to your reward. 72 virgins await you!”

“Oh boy! 72 virgins! That is worth getting my guts blasted out for. Where are they?”

“Right this way.” The guide motions him to follow.

They go up to a door on a large, one story building and the guide holds it open for Tamerlan to enter. “Here they are my friend. 72 virgins, each in her own bed awaiting you.”

“Wow!” says Tamerlan. “Each one is in her own bed awaiting me! What could be better than this?”

“Um…there is another reason for that…” the guide starts to speak as Tamerlan enters.

“What a minute…” starts Tamerlan, puzzled, as he takes a couple step in. “What is wrong with them?”

“They are in bed because they are all women who were killed and maimed by Jihadist bombers throughout the world. Many are without limbs, some without faces or features. But they are all virgins! And they all do await you! But with other motives in mind than you perhaps intended!”

With that he pushes Tamerlan. “Here he is, ladies! The Boston Marathon bomber is all yours!” He then quickly exits and locks the door.

“And by the way, Tamerlan, this is also their heaven of revenge as well as your heaven of 72 virgins.

The horrendous sound of 72 female voices screaming in bloody thirsty anger sounds is followed shortly thereafter by Tamerlan’s horrible shrieks.

Roger Freed