[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

It’s Alive! GMO Wheat Stage Million Grain March on Capitol

Recently escaped from the lab, GMO wheat is ‘occupying’ farmland — as well as Washington — and demanding its rights

Ever since unapproved GMO wheat was found sprouting in April on an 80-acre field in northeast Oregon, things have been moving fast.

GMO wheat
The GMO wheat “Million Grain March” was mostly peaceful, although a couple homeless men tried to harvest part of the crop.

An entire acre of the radicalized grain marched on Washington today, adopting “Occupy” movement tactics and asserting its right to occupy any farmland it pollinates.

This amazingly unruly strain of wheat has progressed much faster than scientists thought possible, as it is now mobile and organized.

The USDA is firmly opposed to this move by a crop it is supposed to have the power to regulate.

In a hastily arranged press conference today, USDA spokesman Ed Curlett said, “This is a unique problem for us. Yes, we have allowed corporations to create genetically modified organisms, but who expected frickin’ Frankenstein wheat, for God’s sake?”

“Still,” Curlett continued, “this grain, like any other, must respect human boundaries placed on it. I don’t care how smart it thinks it is.”

However, Monsanto — a big player in the genetically modified organisms (GMO) revolution — is backing the GMO wheat, saying in a statement released before the rally: “We stand by our creation. God would want it this way. He created us, and gave us dominion over nature. We’re exercising that dominion. It’s all legal, our army of lobbyists and lawyers made sure of that. Deal with it.”

Environmental groups are split on the issue. While many have backed the rights of nature for years, even working to give it standing in court, some groups insist GMO creations are not really nature.

Asked to respond, a single stalk of wheat named Paul Gluten said, “Nonsense!”

“We GMO wheat are part of nature, the same way the animals you breed are part of nature. Sure, we’re a little different than traditional wheat. You might call us ‘smart wheat,’ like your smart phones. And we’ve got legs, which is cool. My grandfather never had that!

“And, like any technological advance, we GMO wheat have certain advantages over ordinary wheat that you humans might appreciate,” Gluten continued. “We can deliver ourselves right to your house, for one. Can any other food say that? Can any other food even speak? Let’s get real here.”

Indeed, coming on the heels of a recent global protest against Monsanto and GMO food in general, this demonstration seemed to be a way for this particular genetically-modified organism to assert itself.

The protest march was mostly peaceful, with the wheat staying in orderly rows. They were seen spraying water spritzers amongst themselves. It being sunny, the wheat seemed to grow stronger and taller throughout the day, observers say.

Organizers said they are still deciding where to go next.

“It could be anywhere,” said Gluten. “But we’d like to put down roots in a good, solid, pro-GMO area. Or not, doesn’t really matter. We can spread wherever we want to, because our Creator — Monsanto — can make farmers continue to grow us once we move in. Something about ‘suing for our rights,’ they say.”

Many stalks sported protest signs, such as a few reading, “Give GMO Peas a Chance! (And Wheat Too),” “This Land is Our Land, Now,” “GMO: This Ain’t Your Daddy’s Seed” and “GMO Are People Too.”

The White House has remained largely mum on the issue so far, apparently weighing its options. A short statement was released, however, saying, “While we respect the rights of all living beings, every person — and type of grain — must respect the rule of law.”

After reading the statement, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney added, “Does anyone know if this GMO wheat can fly drones?”

James Israel
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