[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Americans Find Common Ground with Irreconcilable Divisions

U.S. loves winning hate prize

Hate really is a powerful thing.  Powerful enough to divide a house, but apparently, under the right circumstances, strong enough to bring it back together too.

hate: Americans Find Common Ground with Irreconcilable DivisionsThe annual World Hate Awards Tour Extravaganza (or World HATE for short), which celebrates some of the greatest examples of enmity on our planet, recently announced this year’s winner: The United States.

“Of course, it’s difficult to choose,” said Ima Gin, one of the organization’s council members. “There is so much hatred in our world that it would take a million organizations like us to highlight all of it.  Africans hating Africans, Chinese hating Japanese, Russians hating Poles, Arabs hating Jews and vice-versa, North Koreans hating almost everyone, and on and on and on.”

“We chose the U.S. for 2013,” he continued, “not so much for one area in particular but because it’s animus is rich with diversity.  There are innumerable groups (and extreme members within groups) who subsist almost entirely on their animosity toward others.”

People all around the country, after learning the news, took to the streets to celebrate, embracing their anger and turning a negative into a positive-negative (don’t worry, we did the math).  With signs and banners that read, “U.S. Hatorade Tastes the Best!” and “We Love to Hate,” America appears to be a country reborn.

Like a beautiful angry rainbow, hordes of atheists, fundamentalists, democrats, republicans, libertarians, members of the Tea Party and Occupy, dentists, LGBT, KKK, Black Panthers, skinheads and much, much more, all came together to celebrate the occasion, and at one point, began an impromptu rendition of Paul McCartney’s song All You Need is (Hate).

“Damn straight we won!” screamed one proud celebrant.  “‘Merica hate beats China hate any day!  And any other God-forsaken country for that matter.  Afghanistan, Jerkastan, and all the other Stans too!  God bless ‘Merica!”

Jeff Boldt