Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/2/2014

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for.  And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule:  barely pay attention and jump to conclusions.  So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Ripping the Headlines Today, bachmannMichele Bachmann Calling Herself A ‘Genius’

In her defense, she might have said it by comparison while standing next to Sarah Palin

Republicans Freak Out as HealthCare site Gets Nearly a Million Hits

Only Snoop and Willie Nelson can relate to that many hits

Americans Want Congress Members To Pee In Cups To Prove They’re Not On Drugs

I want to know they’re on drugs, cause that’ll explain plenty

Bruce Jenner May Flatten His Adam’s Apple Through Plastic Surgery

Or he can have it removed and put wherever Kris Jenner keeps his nut sac

Kris Jenner Regrets Divorcing Robert Kardashian – ABC News

Robert Kardashian is glad he’s still dead – Seance Times

Food Stamp Cuts Threaten to Leave Many San Antonians Hungry

Literally, leaving many only able to remember the Ala Mode

Woman finds razor blade in Dunkin Donuts croissant

Takes hint and goes for upper lip waxing.

Rob Ford fitness consultant, sold steroids, banned in Canada

The guy should be banned for being Rob Ford’s fitness consultant.

Woman sleeps next to remains of her dead husband for almost a year

In her defense, it was hard to tell, after all, they are Presbyterians

Heidi Montag Removes F-Cup Implants

Good thing, boobs that big only have one place… in Congress

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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