[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Writer Blames Inability to Write on Having Teeth Pulled

Chattering about writer’s block

Pat Beekers has been wandering about her home feeling inadequate as a writer these days ever since she had all her teeth pulled. Little did she know when she agreed to have the procedure done, it would affect her life in such a dramatic way.

Pat Beekers, Famous Unpublished Writer, Awaits Dentures
Pat Beekers, Famous Unpublished Writer, Awaits Dentures

“I couldn’t figure it out,” said Beekers.

“I’d sit at the computer, staring at the keyboard, and wondering why I couldn’t come up with anything remotely funny to write. I would start picking at my fingernails, which have recently grown a good quarter of an inch apiece in the past week, and then, out of habit, I put my nails to my mouth to bite them off, only to realize I had no teeth. What an odd sensation to put the nail to teeth only to find ‘nothingness,” she said.

“It was so surreal.”

Beekers claims that is when it struck her–the inability to bite her nails was directly correlated to her inability to write a funny story.

“It all made sense to me,” claims Beekers.

“I couldn’t think of one funny think to write. The only reason I am even writing this story is to let my small group of readers know that I’m trying. I really am. But I just don’t have it anymore,” she said.

“I suppose I could be doing something else, like cooking or sewing,” Beekers admits. But she claims the lack of teeth is making it hard on her to do other ordinary things like opening a package of rice mix to cook for dinner, or biting off the thread after sewing a button on a blouse.

“Yes, I suppose I could take up the scissors again and re-learn how to use them, but really,” said Beekers, “do I want to go to the trouble? Not really.”

Beekers added a bit forlornly, “I honestly had no idea how immensely important teeth were until I lost mine. I just hope that when they fit me for my dentures, they can make them handy enough to allow me to bite my nails again and anything else that needs opening, shortening, or bitten off.

“I rather enjoyed biting my nails, especially when I was nervous or, of course, trying to think up funny stuff to write.”

P. Beckert