[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Big Pharma Offering Top Dollar to Suicidal Human Guinea Pigs

Suicidal Americans, a minority on the rise, now have a new, tailor-made employment opportunity.

Listen up, all you suicidal sorts out there. Big pharma has an offer you can’t refuse.

One company out of Richmond, Virginia has a controversial new program whereby you can lend yourself out for the testing of some of the most controversial drugs on the market. In return, you will either die as wished or, at the very least, make enough money to solve all your short-term money problems — in which case, you might want to re-think the coward’s way out.

Big Pharma Suicidal Human Guinea PigsBig pharma in general is counting on the ‘win-win’ angle to build a small bank of special test subjects for controversial new drugs for everything from treating snake bites to curing hyper-gynecomastia. Note: these are the drugs that can’t be tested on regular subjects due to the high probability of failure of the drug in the testing phase.

Studies indicate about 90% of people who sign up for test trials on drugs and other medical procedures are experiencing huge debt problems. In the testing of the most dangerous of drugs, some people have only two ways out — death, or an opportunity to make a large amount of cash in a short amount of time, albeit usually suffering long-lasting side effects such as nervous tics, infertility, or micropsia (look it up, Alice). That’s where big pharma comes in.

These trials are not without controversy. First, there is the whole death thing. No one wants to admit that people are dying in the wake of drug testing; however, these tests will allow us to deal with the issue head on. As one research scientist put it, “we can worry less about who is dying, and focus more on who is making the drug more marketable by surviving.”

It is expected that at least 63% of all subjects being used to test the most dangerous drugs will die. Fortunately, their surviving family members will be offered enough money to cover the funeral costs of the deceased. As an added bonus, they will receive a large floral arrangement commemorating their loved ones’ heroic deeds in trying to make various dangerous drugs safer for the potential customers of big pharma.

While some people, especially those who live with suicidal family members, are extremely upset with this new avenue drug companies are taking to have their products tested before putting them up for FDA approval, the majority of those weighing in are hailing it as a way to keep their suicidal loved ones around for longer periods of time.

Jaundice Morgan, whose mother and brother are both suicidal, told us, “At least if my brother or mother can be with me a bit longer while being used as a guinea pig, I’ll take whatever time I can get. Furthermore, who knows? The drugs may not kill them, in which case we could all be living a pretty sweet life after trial.”

Desensitization is already the main core of most pharmaceutical company ad campaigns. Listen carefully, and there are a whole host of “maybes” or “probabilities” to go along with your new addictive drug.

Said Juana DiCease, Marketing Manager of Centralized Laboratories and Testing, Inc., “Who wants to take the chance of taking a drug that might kill you when it can be tested on someone else first to see if it kills them? It all comes down to two things: survival of the fittest, and kill or be killed. It’s really that simple.”

DiCease explained further. “If we test on animals, we are targeted by PETA and tree huggers. If we test on humans, we are accused of being inhumane. How else are we going to understand how the drugs work unless we use them on some living creature? I mean, come on people. Mankind loves their drugs, but not enough to allow us to kill or maim to get a good grade pain killer on the market?”

DiCease quantified the decision even further.

“Just so there is no confusion, who we are really looking to employ as guinea pigs are suicidal people who are already hell bent on self-destruction. If something goes wrong with the test and their wishes are granted, it is a win-win for them and for us. For us, obviously, because we learn we have more work to do before putting the drug on the market for consumption by the general public.”

Many are outraged at the wanton way in which big pharma is going about testing for new drugs, but statistics show that just as many or more people die after being prescribed new and under-tested drugs on the market. Just listen to the television ads for the drugs. The disclaimers alone are enough to make any level-headed person regret ever going to the doctor in the first place for what ails them.

“Women who are pregnant or nursing should not take this drug. If you have swollen lips, eyes, mouth, or tongue, or are having problems breathing, discontinue use and call your doctor immediately. You may experience sweating, diarrhea, vomiting, loss of consciousness, seizures, orange hair, purple teeth… just checking to see if you are listening… or even death while taking this drug…” The list goes on.

So really, when you think about it, what is there to lose? Most people would be better off accepting the money to become human guinea pigs rather than waiting to become ill and needing a controversial new drug to treat that illness, thus rendering them guinea pigs inadvertently anyhow. And that is precisely how big pharma sees it.

P. Beckert