[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Oligarchs: ‘End Formality of Voting, Just Let Us Bid on Candidates’

“The candidate with the most money wins — no need for messy voting!” — David Koch, explaining the new system, already in place.

“Americans are tired of the whole election voting process,” said David Koch, one of the richest people on the planet, after the recent midterms.

election campaign cash“People are sick of the negative ads, and feel their votes don’t count anymore,” Mr. Koch said, beaming with pride at this accomplishment. “The guy with the most money wins anyway, so, in the interest of helping citizens avoid this big election headache every two years, we’re proposing a new way forward,” he said.

David, along with his brother Charles, distribute more campaign cash than just about anybody, through a network of “dark money” organizations, allowed by the Supreme Court “Citizens United” decision in 2010.

Mr. Koch revealed that a brain trust of the top one-tenth of one percent richest people on the planet recently convened at Bohemian Grove in California, and decided enough was enough.

“Let us rich folk just bid on candidates. It’s really what’s happening anyway,” Koch said. “Let’s eliminate the middle man — which is all the voter is anymore.”

According to political scientist Fredly Brainfeldt, the Kochs are onto something.

“Voting every election is a useless exercise. It had value at one time, a simpler time, in American history. But ever since Citizens United, it’s just a useless formality, and everyone knows it,” Brainfeldt explained.

“A quicker and more accurate way to determine the winner is simply to decide who raised the most money. It’s foolproof, works every time,” he said.

There is one question that must be answered if this new system were to be adopted, however. What to do with all the cash raised, if it’s not spent on campaign ads?

“That’s easy,” said Mr. Koch. “Use it to implement the things we bought our politicians for in the first place.”

“For example,” he said, “this year, most of it would go toward building the XL Pipeline and destroying solar panels. Problem solved!”

James Israel
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