The ‘E’ in Email Stands for Evidence

No worries, America, Hillary Clinton assured us that all is fine, no emails to see here.

The country breathed a collective sigh of relief following Hillary Clinton’s masterful press conference last week, held in response to the controversy surrounding her email troubles. “It’s all fine. Don’t worry about it. We got it covered. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.”

It appears she might have used a personal email address while conducting government business, but only because she didn’t want to carry two Blackberrys after losing all that weight running around repeatedly saving the world as Secretary of State, thank you very much. Did everybody catch the part about saving the world? Repeatedly?

The former Hillary Diane Rodham also insisted that all the deleted private messages were silly and trivial, and concerned mostly with the planning of her daughter’s wedding, mother’s funeral and/or yoga routines. All 30,000 of them. Which either means she was organizing the world’s most complicated wedding and/or funeral, or was extremely determined to advance past Mountain Pose and Downward Dog.

Another question is why aren’t all the fiscal hawks applauding the former junior senator from the state of New York for saving the government gobs of money by running her own server? Plus, her server that was never hacked, which is more than can be said for just about any other government agency including the Atomic Energy Commission, which is reputedly leakier than large bore sieves used as target practice for surface to air missiles.

Feeding further flabbergasting fuel to the fire was the source responsible for bringing these records discrepancies into open discussion, the hitherto unsuspected leader of that vast right-wing conspiracy: The New York Times. With friends like these, who needs the Koch Brothers?

Oh for crum’s sake, stop whining, people. If we’ve learned anything during the age of the interwebs, it’s that nothing ever disappears. So if certain parties do decide to appoint certain Congressional committees that are Benghazi-obsessed to discover the emails’ content, they can go ask their good buddies Julian Assange, Edward Snowden or the NSA to dig deep and all will be revealed. Well, most. Some?

And, as it turns out, the former First Lady is not the only potential 2016 candidate to play these little reindeer games: Chris Christie, Marco Rubio, Scott Walker, Jeb Bush, not to mention Secretaries of State Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice; all have admitted trying to slip the gnarly knob of government oversight by conducting business through private email accounts. It’s become such a boring predictable dance, Lady Gaga will probably write a song about it soon.

It’s always something with Billary: female or email. But no matter how often they’re attacked — Whitewater, Travelgate, Filegate, Vince Foster or a line of bimbos longer than Act 3 in Troilus and Cressida — they have a knack for survival not unlike political cockroaches. And that’s meant in a good way.

This could be one of those teachable moments we’ve heard so much about. As former San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown is wont to say “the ‘e’ in email stands for evidence.” Maybe we, the American public, can wrangle a compromise out of this. After elected President, we allow the present Mrs. Clinton to switch to an iPhone and in return the NSA guarantees that all photos of her in yoga pants will be suppressed in the interest of national security.

Will Durst
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