(The) News (Really) Bytes – April 2015

‘All the News that Needs to be Knowed’

The Aurora Joker James Holmes trial finally begins three years after his attack at the premier of a new Batman movie that killed twelve people:
Could we just have Batman seal him up in a forgotten part of the Batcave and save us the expense of having to take care of him for the rest of his demented life?

newsTurkey, still denying the massacre of millions of Armenians 100 years ago, decides to celebrate instead the victory at Gallipoli in World War One instead:
Great. Instead of recognizing the slaughter of huge numbers of a Christian minority they celebrate the slaughter of huge numbers of Australians and New Zealanders.

Police involved in the mysterious death of Freddy Grey get suspended:
I see. So they get punished by being sent home and are still getting their pay. Interesting. Meanwhile people who get arrested for minor violations go to jail meaning they can’t earn money for their families which makes them lose their homes, cars and possessions and have to live out on the streets. America and its sweet sense of justice.

China builds artificial islands on reefs in the South China Sea to increase it control of the oil rich waters and to give it a military advantage over the other nations in the area:
So, being the world’s second biggest nation land wise just isn’t enough anymore, eh President Jinping?

Texas makes more severe punishments for kids missing school and their parents:
“Yup, we’ll learn ye one ways or anuder. What we all have here is a failure to communicates. The main lesson ta be lurned is that ye gots ta respect authority. Or else!”

Loretta Lynch finally gets confirmed as Attorney General five months after her appointment:
A new, more drawn out form of lynching has evolved in Congress.

Dr. Oz detractors at Columbia University want him ousted due to his unconventional medical recommendations:
Yes! God forbid that he introduces anyone to more affordable practices that would take away from regular doctor’s fees that would delay payments on their Porsches!

Ferguson police declare that they have developed a more ‘black friendly’ approach to dealing with African-Americans:
They will from now on read them their Miranda rights before shooting them.

Republican slime diggers go into high gear looking for dirty little secrets about Hillary… oh forget it! That ain’t nothin’ new. They’ve been doing that for decades…

Roger Freed