Thanksgiving Wiped Out by Halloween and Christmas Cartels

The time honored and highly respected holiday of Thanksgiving was wiped out by the rival gang cartels of Halloween and Christmas this year. For many years the Halloween gang, characterized by bizarre, scary costumes, and the Christmas gang, recognizable by their holly-colored getups and red Santa hats, have been cutting into Thanksgiving’s turf.

The Halloween cartel explodes around the end of October, throwing grotesque parties and producing millions of dollars from the sale of costumes and candy, stealing a large share of the consumer dollars that would have been spent on Thanksgiving. Ditto for the Christmas gang, only they are even more ruthless, going so far as to overrun Thanksgiving’s time slot of November 25th entirely.

The quiet, family-oriented holiday marking the Pilgrims’ survival of their first winter has always been buffeted by the bigger celebrations that take place before and after it. Thanksgiving has always been less commercial than its counterparts and therefore economically weaker. The forces that run the Halloween and Christmas cartels have long lusted after the choice calender turf that it possesses.

Gangs of strangely clad individuals — skeletons, witches, Darth Vaders, demons and Little Kitties have been seen demolishing early Thanksgiving displays and spraying graffiti on those that were too big to take down.

The Christmas gang is even more destructive, using every means possible to blot out even the idea of Thanksgiving from the public with massive ad campaigns, domination of the media waves and overkill with Christmas motifs.

Small, squat individuals bedecked with pointy stocking caps have been captured on video sabotaging Thanksgiving feasts with drive by snowballings. Rude snowmen with pointy carrots in the wrong places have popped up overnight near known Thanksgiving feasts (as well as snowwomen with lumps of coal in the wrong places). Reindeer poop-contaminated turkey stuffing has been snuck into the food at these dinners. A warrant has been put out for the shadowy head of the Christmas cartel who hides behind a bushy white beard and fake belly that sometimes shakes like a bowl full of jelly.

There are fears that the violence could get worse. Rumors of mass executions have been reported. At a number of feasts, the grisly remains of dismembered turkeys have been found, often with partially gnawed leg bones and rib cages scattered around. Boxes with severed turkey heads have been left at participants doorsteps.

There is fear of retaliation by the Thanksgiving cartel. Already there is evidence of them blocking out Nativity scenes and boycotting various department stores in an attempt to slow consumerism in December and show the Christmas cartel exactly which holiday is nearest and dearest to consumer’s hearts.

Is nothing sacred anymore?

Roger Freed