The Jerry Duncan Show: Sarah Palin Interview

Wherein our intrepid radio talk show host, Jerry Duncan, interviews Alaska’s half-term governor, Sarah Palin.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

Sarah Palin by DonkeyHotey
Sarah Palin. Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is the former Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin. But before we get started, I want to mention something about my 30th class reunion at Wasilla High in Alaska. Talk about a nightmare. Classmates were jealous that I was the most successful graduate. I’m not bragging, but I was number one in my class with a solid D average. A Nobel prize winner compared to Sarah Palin.

PALIN

(shouting) Duncan, I’m going to load my trusty rifle and fill your rear end with buckshot.

JERRY

Here’s a sedative to calm you down, Governor.

PALIN

I need it. Man, you’re meaner than me.

JERRY

Hey, you graduated from Wasilla High.

PALIN

You betcha. I was on the girls basketball team when we were the state champs.

JERRY

Right. You beat out a bunch of seals and penguins, real competition.

PALIN

I don’t find that amusing. What did you accomplish in high school?

JERRY

I made a paperweight in wood shop shaped like the nose of Richard Nixon. Here it is.

PALIN

Yep. Has all the warmth and charm of an elephant’s testicle.

JERRY

You were a sports broadcaster for a television station in Anchorage after college. What made you leave the profession?

PALIN

I was destined to be Miss Alaska. Wasn’t that using the old noggin, Duncan?

JERRY

Sarah, when do brunettes eat a lot of beans?

PALIN

Geez that’s a tough one. Supper?

JERRY

Before they take a bubble bath.

PALIN

You punked me, Duncan.

JERRY

You were elected mayor of Wasilla in 1996.

PALIN

One of the first things I did was get rid of the new library.

JERRY

Aren’t books used to enlighten our minds?

PALIN

That’s why we have Fox News. No need to waste money.

JERRY

In 2006 you became the Governor of Alaska.

PALIN

Drill, baby, drill.

JERRY

That causes Climate Change according to most scientists.

PALIN

Tom Cruise is a scientist, so is John Travolta. They’re stupid. The more ice that melts, the easier it is for me to keep an eye on the Ruskies.

JERRY

Out of all the people, John McCain picked you to run with him in the 2008 presidential election.

PALIN

That was a no-brainer. I am a woman with lots of Spanx.

JERRY

Don’t you mean spunk?

PALIN

There’s no such word. You need to go back to Wasilla High and study Dr Seuss.

JERRY

Obama won the election. Some say you were the reason McCain tanked. Especially after the Katie Couric interview.

PALIN

Katie did a gotcha question. I had a brain fart.

JERRY

C’mon, you couldn’t name one thing you read.

PALIN

I didn’t know if Jack and Jill magazine counted, so I clammed up. I’m highly intelligent. Did you know the Vice President is the supreme boss in the Senate?

JERRY

Lord if you’re listening, one of us has to disappear.

PALIN

Funny you mentioned the Lord. The people don’t elect U.S. presidents, God does. Lots of people liked that zinger during the campaign. Second to only Obama palling around with terrorists.

JERRY

You don’t read books, but you wrote one.

PALIN

Going Rogue: An American Life. You betcha. Gonna make a movie some day from the book. I want Sarah Huckabee Sanders to play me and her husband Colonel Sanders to play my hubby Todd.

JERRY

We’re out of time thank goodness. Good-bye everyone. See you tomorrow.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. His play The Boys of Winter received an IRNE Award nomination for best new play by the New England Theatres Critic Association and was the Critic’s Pick in The Boston Globe. He is presently developing a screenplay that will be directed by Scott Rosenfelt, the producer of the box office hits Home Alone and Mystic Pizza.