Jerry Duncan Interviews Woody Allen

Wherein our intrepid talk radio host interviews movie director Woody Allen!

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is movie director and writer Woody Allen.

woody allenWOODY ALLEN

Hello.

JERRY

You seem to have anxiety.

ALLEN

I haven’t had a bowel movement in three days. My publicist insisted I do your show.

JERRY

Good move. I’ll scare the crap out of you.

ALLEN

Then ask me anything.

JERRY

How’s Sunny?

ALLEN

You mean Soon-Yi.

JERRY

Whatever.

ALLEN

She’s doing great. I bought her a new wok and she’s cooking up a storm. We eat lots of vegetables and chopped chicken Korean style.

JERRY

Have you ever tried North Korean food?

ALLEN

No.

JERRY

Neither have North Koreans.

JERRY

You met Soon-Yi when she was a teenager and you were dating her adopted mother Mia Farrow.

ALLEN

I know what you’re thinking.

JERRY

Trust me you don’t. You’re bat shit crazy. (singing a parody to the last lines of the tune Twelve Days of Christmas) Thirty seven years of psychiatrists, two marriages ending, one marriage pending, three long term relationships and a partridge in a pear tree.

ALLEN

I can’t even invent characters like you, Duncan. They remind me of my nasty mother Cherry. For her own amusement, I was blindfolded and shoved in a locked closet. Then an hour later she pounded on the door and yelled “Fire. Everyone out of the house.”

JERRY

What did your old man do while this was happening?

ALLEN

He thought it was a real fire so he was the first one out. Got fooled every time. My dysfunctional family. When I was ten, they moved to Brooklyn. When I was twelve, I found them.

JERRY

How did you know that you wanted to be a comedian?

ALLEN

After being kicked out of college, I started writing jokes. Some television shows bought them and I eventually got a job writing scripts.

JERRY

Did you leave home?

ALLEN

I had to because women were knocking on my door to get in show biz. I was an Adonis in their eyes. Get the picture?

JERRY

Can’t get the word Adonis out of my head. I’m getting chills.

ALLEN

Would you like a sedative?

JERRY

No. I’ll wait until this interview is over before jumping off a bridge. Tell me about Diane Keaton.

ALLEN

Diane was bulimic. A barfer. Very nervous and neurotic like me. After we’d make love, she’d throw up. I asked my shrink was it me? Was it her? Was she thinking about Groucho Marx? I’m still going crazy.

JERRY

Hey Woody. What does Diane call two fingers?

ALLEN

Tell me.

JERRY

Dessert.

ALLEN

Diane was in some of my movies. The greatest was Annie Hall. I won an Academy Award for Best Screenplay and Best Director.

JERRY

You starred in many of the films you wrote.

ALLEN

Yes. Bananas, Crime and Misdemeanors and Take The Money and Run.

JERRY

Sounds like the Harvey Weinstein story. Do you have any hobbies?

ALLEN

I play jazz clarinet and perform every Monday evening at the Carlyle Hotel in New York City.

JERRY

That instrument is for geeks.

ALLEN

I know. I leave it on my dashboard so I can get handicap parking.

JERRY

Hey, why don’t you call yourself Wood-Yi Allen? Wood-Yi and Soon-Yi has a nice ring to it. Like matching chopsticks.

ALLEN

I’ll take that under advisement.

JERRY

This is a political show. I can’t let you leave without asking what you think of Trump.

ALLEN

He’s a bully. The same kind of jerk that stuffed me in a locker when I was in high school. The guy that kicked sand in my face at the beach. The douche bag that called me names like stupid, four eyes, ugly and freak when I was in elementary school. (pause) What’s that squeaky, horrible sound?

JERRY

I’m playing the violin during your sad story.

ALLEN

I’m also a magician. Going to perform a magic trick on your show.

JERRY

What’s that stick you just pulled out of your back pocket?

ALLEN

It’s a magic wand. Let me show you how it works. I’m going to tap three times on your empty head. Close your eyes and count to three.

JERRY

One, two, three.

ALLEN

Open your eyes.

JERRY

You’re so tall. And I’m so small. How come I have a bunch of arms?

ALLEN

I turned you into a cockroach. People call you a cockroach, but I finally made it happen.

JERRY

You can’t do that you scrawny twerp. What’s the next step?

ALLEN

Getting squished under my foot.

JERRY

No Wood-Yi. I need to insult more people.

ALLEN

I’ll give you a running start.

JERRY

You’re sick. Call your psychiatrist. Help!

ALLEN

Gotta do it. If there is a nuclear war all that will be left is Ted Cruz. Bye bye.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. His play The Boys of Winter received an IRNE Award nomination for best new play by the New England Theatres Critic Association and was the Critic’s Pick in The Boston Globe. He is presently developing a screenplay that will be directed by Scott Rosenfelt, the producer of the box office hits Home Alone and Mystic Pizza.
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