Ripping the Headlines Today, 2/18/18

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Ski jumping, headlines today

Ski jumping: Norway’s Lundby flies through blizzard to take gold

Actual uses for ski jumping:
1. Escaping a Bond villain.
That’s it. That’s the list.

84-year-old woman accused of shooting at ‘noisy’ children

Y’now you’re getting older when your first response to this is ‘Well, how noisy?’

VP Mike Pence did not stand for unified Korea at Winter Games Opening Ceremony

…and then walked out on himself in protest.

Blind bisexual goose stuck in love triangle with two swans dies aged 40

Or, as that’s known in some parts of the world ‘brunch.’

Sean Hannity blames Obama for historic market crash

…not just this one, but the one in 1929.

Lakers trade for Isaiah Thomas

How disappointed is Magic Johnson gonna be when he finds out he traded for Isaiah Thomas not Isiah Thomas. What’s next, Magic? Guys named Michael Jordon and Larry Bird?

LA family’s lawsuit says Starbucks served blood-stained Frappuccino

In fairness, Frappuccino does sound like a character in a Martin Scorsese film.

‘It’s an honor’: Jordan Greenway is U.S. hockey team’s first African-American Olympian

Let’s face it, there are so few African-Americans in the Winter Olympics, it’s the only sporting event where the Kardashians don’t want to date anyone.

People are walking into glass doors at the new Apple headquarters

In fairness, they’re getting around using Apple maps.

Laura Ingraham tells Lebron ‘shut up and dribble’

Hmmmm, when Fabio was on FOX, I don’t remember Ingraham telling him to shut up and ‘believe it’s not butter.’

Police recommend corruption charges for Netanyahu

Look for Trump to say he barely knows him, met him briefly in Israel, where he was a low level, unpaid falafel boy…

Happy 59th, John McEnroe

McEnroe’s 59? YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS?

Trump’s lawyer says he personally paid porn star Stormy Daniels out of his own pocket

Guessing that must be because of some kinda professional courtesy between people who [email protected]%k people outa money for a living.

Marilyn Manson melts down, walks off stage at NYC show

So what? I thought that was his act.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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