The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senator Ted Cruz

Wherein our intrepid talk radio host interviews Texas Senator Ted Cruz

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

Ted Cruz by DonkeyHotey
Senator Ted Cruz. Caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guest today is U.S. Senator Ted Cruz from the great state of Texas.

TED CRUZ

Thank you for that lovely introduction.

JERRY

Trust me. It’s the nicest thing you’ll hear during this interview, Count Dracula.

CRUZ

Was the name calling necessary?

JERRY

Yes indeed. Do you know why Dracula flunked art class?

CRUZ

No.

JERRY

Because he could only draw blood.

CRUZ

Can’t believe my two little girls begged me to do your show.

JERRY

That’s because they don’t like you.

CRUZ

Who told you that?

JERRY

Your wife Heidi. FYI–she doesn’t like you either.

CRUZ

But the citizens of Texas do. I’ve been their Senator since 2013. I fight for the things Texans care about–guns and climate change denial. In fact, I introduced a bill in the Senate to increase coal, natural gas and crude oil exports. Drill, baby, drill.

JERRY

No wonder Senator McCain called you a “wacko bird.”

CRUZ

I’ve been called worse.

JERRY

True. Former House Speaker John Boehner called you Lucifer in the flesh. He said “I never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch.”

CRUZ

Was Boner drunk or sober when he made that comment?

JERRY

Senator Lindsey Graham said “If they killed you on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would be convicted.”

CRUZ

What do you expect? Lindsey always brags that he’s smarter than a 5th grader.

JERRY

There’s more. Senator Al Franken said “You have to understand that I like Ted Cruz. Probably more than my colleagues like Ted Cruz. And I hate him.”

CRUZ

Franken was a naughty boy and resigned. Bad example, Duncan.

JERRY

You graduated from Harvard Law School and served as Texas Solicitor General from 2003 to 2008.

CRUZ

Yes. I argued cases on behalf of the state. For shits and giggles, I sent a guy to prison for stealing a calculator at Walmart.

JERRY

Why?

CRUZ

Why not? The Lord says “Thou shall not steal.”

JERRY

Well, the Trumpster stole an election.

CRUZ

And I once said Donald was “utterly amoral.” (pause) Then I begged forgiveness and kissed his pinky ring when he got the party nomination.

JERRY

Hey Cruz. Why did Dracula take cold medicine?

CRUZ

I’m not falling for such nonsense.

JERRY

To stop his coffin.

JERRY

You ran against Trump in the 2016 presidential race.

CRUZ

Don’t remind me.

JERRY

He compared a picture of your wife’s angry face next to his smiling trophy wife Melania. The caption read “a picture is worth a thousand words.”

CRUZ

And I told Donald to “Leave my wife Heidi the hell alone.”I don’t need to dignify that comment. My wife worked on Wall Street and wore Anne Klein suits. His model wife wore two piece swim suits to work.

JERRY

I like the latter.

JERRY

I see you have a tough Senate race ahead in Texas this fall.

CRUZ

Not really. I’m more interested in shutting down the government in August. Just bought an entire set of Dr. Seuss books to read to the Senators during my filibuster.

JERRY

Tedster, I’ve been handed a bulletin. Raul Castro called our newsroom. He wants you to house sit in Havana while he’s on Dancing With The Stars.

CRUZ

You tell him that I’m too busy celebrating his brother Fidel’s death.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. He specializes in comedy and can be hired as a writer for corporate events and special occasions like birthdays, bachelor parties, etc. Email [email protected] for more information.
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