[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Ivanka’s Plan for Solving the Immigrant Crisis

President’s daughter says she has a solution to the immigrant child separation mess her dad created.

Always trying to help out her dad and be a self-described “champion of the welfare of children and mothers,” Ivanka Trump has come up with a solution to the immigrant child separation mess the president has created. She is willing to put up dormitories to house mothers and children while they are awaiting decisions on their asylum petitions, if they agree to work in adjoining factories to make her clothing line.

ivanka solves immigrant crisisIn her statement to the press, Ivanka gave assurances that the jobs assigned to the children would be age appropriate and provide them with skills they could use later in the U.S. if they are granted asylum (since there are laws against child labor) or in one of her overseas factories now if their asylum is denied. “Child labor laws do not apply to these children,” she insisted, “while they are here illegally.” Mothers would be allowed to continue to work in her factories in the U.S. if granted asylum or overseas if their asylum were denied.

Ivanka assured the reporters that the mothers and children would be provided with clean dorm rooms and three meals a day, and that these would only be deducted from their wages at cost, since she was adamant that she did not want to make a profit on these essentials. In an act her staff described as “magnanimous,” Ivanka said those who would be sent overseas would only have to pay or work off half of the transportation costs.

When asked if they would be paid minimum wage, Ivanka refused to disclose this information and again asserted that these standards did not apply to this population, because they are illegal and not American citizens.

She is still in negotiation with her father regarding the security that will be in place to make sure that the asylum seekers do not leave the property until their status has been determined. Trump has suggested equipping each with a microchip under the skin, similar to the chips used to identify lost dogs. Ivanka has offered to design uniforms for both mothers and children that will be the only clothing allowed for them to own, so that any escapees would be easily detected.

President Trump has put out a tweet to celebrate his daughter’s proposal: “Ivanka is setting an example for America. She’s bringing manufacturing back to U.S. soil.”

Diane de Anda