Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Sesame Street writer says Bert and Ernie are a couple

Well, they better hope the Cookie Monster isn’t too religious, or there’ll be no cake at their wedding.

Giant bundles of marijuana wash up on Florida beaches following Hurricane Florence

Now we’re talking some seaweed.

Trump thinks the Kavanaugh assault didn’t happen because Dr. Ford, at the time, didn’t file a police report

… or receive a check from Michael Cohen!

Willie Nelson says ‘I don’t care’ if conservative fans upset about Austin concert for Beto O’Rourke

In fairness, maybe some Republicans thought Willie Nelson was one of them because of when he didn’t pay his taxes.

Mayweather, Pacquiao talking about going at it again

No word if that’ll be in the ring, or, on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’

Texas Board of Education votes to remove Hillary Clinton from Social Studies curriculum

So, whose emails are they now going to blame for that lose at the Alamo?!

Is Justin Bieber applying for US citizenship?

C’mon, I thought there was a tariff on Canadian ham.

Tom Arnold and Mark Burnett got into a fight

The first rule of fight club: don’t let Mark Burnett and Tom Arnold join fight club.

Julie Chen is off ‘The Talk’

…while husband Les Moonves is still on ‘Don’t Talk Without a Lawyer Present.’

Early Emmy ratings at an all-time low

How bad were the Emmy’s? They’ll be listed in next year’s ‘In Memoriam.’

Happy 36th Birthday rapper Yung Joc

Pretty soon you’ll have to change your name to Old Droopy Drawers.

If you give an octopus Ecstasy, it will get touchy and want to mingle

…. although they do get a little handsy…

Roy Moore’s backing the Kavanaugh nomination

Who’s next? R. Kelly?

Paul Manafort’s daughter changes her last name out of embarrassment

Damn, what’s Ivanka gonna do if both Trump and Kushner are locked up… ?

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)