The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Laughing Stock

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews comedian Don Rickles (via heavenly hologram) and former President George W. Bush.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Through the magic of a hologram, live from heaven is my guest, comedian Don Rickles. And here in studio, former President George W. Bush.

Don Rickles GEORGE W BUSH

Howdy. Pardon my appearance, but I’ve been clearing brush on the ranch.

DON RICKLES

Oh good. I’ll make you feel at home. (sound of a horse) Naaaaay. Wilburrrr.

BUSH

Who invited this jackass?

JERRY

I want two comedians on the show.

BUSH

I’m not a comedian.

JERRY

Do you want me to roll tape of you looking for Saddam’s nuclear weapons? It’s the funniest thing ever.

JERRY

How about when you gave a speech and said the vast majority of imports come from outside the United States?

RICKLES

The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.

George W. BushBUSH

Are you referring to me?

RICKLES

(sarcastic) No. Donald Trump.

BUSH

There you go.

JERRY

Speaking of Trump. He said some very nasty things about your brother Jeb. Called him “low energy” during the Republican presidential primary in 2016.

BUSH

Trump is a moron. My brother did many great things as governor of Florida. He um…err…Can I call a friend?

JERRY

Let me help you out. He screwed the middle class by giving tax cuts to the rich, privatized Medicaid in a pilot program and promoted school choice at the expense of public education.

BUSH

Jeb always had a bigger problem–me. That’s what mom and dad said. (chuckles) Hee, hee.

RICKLES

Knock, knock.

BUSH

Who’s there?

RICKLES

A broken pencil.

BUSH

A broken pencil who?

RICKLES

Never mind. It’s pointless.

JERRY

Speaking of pointless. What are you doing these days in heaven, Don?

RICKLES

Since Laurel and Hardy got me fired from my supervisor job, Joan Rivers and myself have teamed up to insult people on their way to hell. Speaking of which. I heard from a confidential source that Satan sent a tweet to Trump.

JERRY

What did it say?

RICKLES

I miss you, son.

A knock one the door. An intern rushes in.

INTERN

Sorry to interrupt the show, Mr. Duncan. President Clinton stopped by unannounced.

JERRY

Send him in, Scrambled Brains.

INTERN

Thank you, sir.

Clinton enters the studio.

BILL CLINTON

Hi Jerry. I was listening to the show and wanted to say hello to my buddy W.

RICKLES

What am I? Chopped liver?

CLINTON

Hi Don. I hope they’re treating you well up there.

RICKLES

The hookers are free.

CLINTON

Gives me something to look forward to.

BUSH

Hey, Bubba. Remember when we formed the Clinton-Bush Haiti Fund in 2010?

CLINTON

I sure do.

BUSH

Man, that was some challenge helping Haiti get its feet off the ground after the big earthquake. Everything went smooth except at night when nasty mosquitas would attack us. One of those critters bit me in the balls while I was sleeping. I was scratching my crotch like a dog with fleas for three days.

CLINTON

Well, I didn’t have that problem. Hillary chopped off my nuts after Monica Lewinsky. The mosquitoes came up empty.

JERRY

Did you contribute to charity, Don?

RICKLES

Oh sure. Do you know what bounces and makes kids cry?

JERRY

Clueless.

RICKLES

My donation check to Children In Need.

JERRY

Out of time. What can we take away from today’s show?

JERRY

Don.

RICKLES

Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for an hour. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

JERRY

George.

BUSH

You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

JERRY

Bill.

CLINTON

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

JERRY

Thank you, gentlemen. See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.
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