The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senator Chuck Grassley

Wherein our intrepid talk radio host interviews Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

Chuck GrassleyJERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley.

JERRY

Good morning, Senator Grassley.

CHUCK GRASSLEY

Bah humbug!

JERRY

Are you auditioning for A Christmas Carol?

GRASSLEY

No. I’m a Chippendale dancer in Des Moines. Bad night. None of the women stuffed dollar bills down my pants.

JERRY

You’re kidding. I hope.

GRASSLEY

Just pulling your leg, Duncan. I’m 85-years-old and get my jollies screaming at kids to stay off my lawn.

JERRY

I understand you were raised on a farm.

GRASSLEY

That’s a secret and we don’t tell secrets on the farm. Do you know why?

JERRY

No clue.

GRASSLEY

Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.

JERRY

Okay, wise guy. Do you know why the scarecrow won a Nobel Prize?

GRASSLEY

Don’t be ridiculous.

JERRY

Because he was out standing in his field.

GRASSLEY

Enough with farm jokes. Let’s talk about my humble beginnings. I worked on a assembly line so I could pay for college.

JERRY

Hold that thought. I need to play my violin while you tell your story.

GRASSLEY

Everything was fine except the day I was replaced by a robot.

JERRY

Why you? Boohoo, boohoo.

GRASSLEY

I had just loaded a 50 pound box of nails and it fell off the conveyer belt on my supervisor’s foot. He lost a big toe.

JERRY

I don’t see a problem. He still had nine toes left.

GRASSLEY

That’s what I told him. 90% of something is better than nothing. Go figure.

JERRY

You were elected to the Senate in 1980 when Ronald Reagan became president. As a fellow Republican, in 1987 you accused him of being “asleep at the switch” and terribly lucky for 7 years in economics and foreign policy,

GRASSLEY

Looking back. Maybe I was jealous because Reagan was good looking and smiled  a lot. It’s not in my DNA. I’m Scrooge, not Mister Rogers.

JERRY

You’re more of a Trumpster.

GRASSLEY

And proud of it. Sure I’m bothered by Russian interference in our elections, but suck it up. It’s not Trump’s fault. Cohen, Flynn and dozens more are lying.

JERRY

You’re delusional and in denial. You are so old that when you were a kid rainbows were black and white.

GRASSLEY

Duncan. You’re proof that evolution can go in reverse.

JERRY

Roses are red, violets are blue. I’ve got five fingers, the middle one is for you.

GRASSLEY

Thank you. That’s sweet.

JERRY

Democrats now control the House. Trump may get impeached.

GRASSLEY

We control the Senate. Impeachment is just a word on a piece of paper. If you think the Kavanaugh hearings were a circus, you ain’t seen nothing yet. We’re going to appoint judges to the courts to undermine our constitution. It’s called nationalism.

JERRY

Einstein said “Nationalism is an infantile thing. It is the measles of mankind.”

GRASSLEY

It’s not racist to be proud of your country.

JERRY

No. But it makes you f***ing stupid to think you are a better man.

The phone rings.

JERRY

Hello? Yes, he is. Let me put you on speaker phone.

JERRY

It’s for you, Senator.

GRASSLEY

Yes?

MUELLER

It’s special counsel Robert Mueller.

GRASSLEY

What can I do for you, sir?

MUELLER

I want you to pack a clean pair of underwear and socks. You’ll be going away for awhile.

GRASSLEY

What’s this all about?

MUELLER

You’re under investigation in the Russian probe.

GRASSLEY

I’ll need some clothes.

MUELLER

We’ll provide the duds. Hope you like the color orange. Be at my office 9 sharp tomorrow morning. I don’t like to be kept waiting.

Sound of dial tone as call ends.

GRASSLEY

Help me, Duncan. Any advise in the slammer?

JERRY

Cover your rear.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

The following two tabs change content below.
Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.
Share
Share