Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/15/19

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Ecuadorian Embassy, Assange, David Letterman
Did they get the right guy?

Wikileaks Assange arrested after nearly seven years in Ecuadorian Embassy

Did they get the right guy?  Hmmmmmm? You make the call.

Charlize Theron says she wants someone to ‘step up’ and date her

Everyone reading this, sit your ass back down…

Kris Jenner Reveals She Kicks Off Her Morning Routine at 4:30 a.m. with Coffee and Cardio

Shouldn’t that be Koffee and Kardio?

Kirstjen Nielsen out as Homeland Security Secretary

Damn, nobody’s left in my Trump Admin bracket.

Batman turned 80

Hmmm, an old white guy who spends all day in his pajamas with an underage boy. Isn’t that what got Michael Jackson in all that trouble?

School district bans ‘Big Booty’ and ‘Big Boobie’ cheerleading awards amid controversy

Wondering if it was because their parents hired people with bigger ‘booties’ and bigger ‘boobies’ to compete in their places.

Joe Biden’s ‘super-creepy’ hair-smelling skeeves out Trevor Noah

On the bright side, if this presidential thing doesn’t work out for Joe, he can always become a spokesman for the shampoo ‘Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific.’

A rhino poacher was killed by an elephant and then eaten by lions in South Africa

Damn, it’s like a scene from Lion King where ‘hakuna matata’ means ‘pass the mustard!’

James Holzhauer, a professional gambler, wins record 1-day total of over $110,000 on ‘Jeopardy!’

What is a guy with a whole bunch of new friends?

Magic Johnson is out as Laker President

I don’t know how they’re going to replace him, what with the country already full.

Scarlett Johansson taken to LAPD station after being overpowered by paparazzi outside Jimmy Kimmel Live

This is one of those times where ‘Frankly, Scarlett, we do give a damn!’

Lori Loughlin edited out of Hallmark Channel show after college bribery charges

Gotta admit I’m curious how Christopher Plummer’s going to pull this one off.

Kristin Cavallari says hubby Jay Cutler unclogged her milk ducts by ‘sucking harder than he’s ever sucked’

Bear fans everywhere are like, ‘he couldn’t have sucked any more than he sucked with the Bears!’

White House proposed releasing immigrant detainees in sanctuary cities, targeting Trump’s political foes

… to punish people in those places with greener lawns, cheaper produce and cleaner homes.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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