The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews The Wizard of Trump

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews The Wizard of Trump.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today, I’m pleased to announce that magician David Copperfield turned Donald Trump and a few of his Republican friends into the cast of The Wizard of Oz. Only, these folks took a wrong turn on the yellow brick road and headed somewhere between Oz and The Twilight Zone, and so we end up interviewing “The Wizard of Trump.”

wizard of trumpJERRY

Good morning, Dorothy.

DOROTHY SARAH PALIN

It’s not a good mornin. I’m depressed.

JERRY

Why?

DOROTHY

Auntie Em and Uncle Henry told me never to talk to strangers, but some witch promised me a pair of Ruby slippers so I ran away. Now I’m on some friggin’ yellow brick road in the middle of nowhere.

JERRY

I have some more bad news from home.

DOROTHY

What? Are Auntie Em and Uncle Henry selling Amway?!

JERRY

No. The governor’s mansion in Kansas burned down. Almost took out the whole trailer park.

DOROTHY

Geez. Now the dog and their owners will have to use the same tree when they go for a walk. Gotta run, Duncan. I see a scarecrow dancin around a pole.

JERRY

Let me talk to him. It could be Michael Jackson.

DOROTHY

Mr. Scarecrow. I have someone who can help you.

SCARECROW MIKE PENCE

I need a brain. I can’t think.

DOROTHY

That makes two of us.

SCARECROW

Help!

DOROTHY

He’s all yours, Duncan.

JERRY

Listen to me, Scarecrow. I just searched Google and read that you’re scared to be alone with a woman.

SCARECROW

Yes. My mind is thinking bad things. The Bible says, “And he drank of the wine and was drunken and uncovered within his tent.” Genesis 9:21.

JERRY

Listen, idiot. These are good thoughts. You need to see The Wizard of Trump, so he can give you a brain. The Wizard said, “I alone can fix it.”

SCAREROW

How do I find him?

JERRY

Follow the Yellow Brick Road. I’m tracking you guys with GPS.

DOROTHY

Oh, look. There’s a Tin Man.

TIN MAN STEPHEN MILLER

Please oil me.

SCARECROW

Sorry. I’m a straight guy.

TIN MAN

I need you to oil me with my can. I’m all rusty and can’t walk.

DOROTHY

Hold it right there, buster! I recognize you. Aren’t you the guy who said mean things about Munchkins? That you didn’t want them in your country.

TIN MAN

I’ve changed. I’m now sympathetic to their plight. The other day I was staring at the road when I saw a man pickpocket a Munchkin. I don’t know how anyone could stoop so low.

JERRY

Can you hear me, Tinsel Teeth?

TIN MAN

Yes.

JERRY

Follow the yellow brick road. The Wizard of Trump will give you his heart. He never uses it anyway.

DOROTHY

Duncan, there’s a lion!

SCARECROW

I’m bookin, baby!

TIN MAN

Me, too! You’re on your own, Moose Mama.

The lion is crying.

DOROTHY

I’m not scared of you, pussycat.

COWARDLY LION LINDSEY GRAHAM

I know. Nobody is. I need courage.

DOROTHY

Come with me. I’m going to see The Wizard of Trump. He’ll straighten you out.

COWARDLY LION

What happened to your two buddies?

DOROTHY

They’re cowards. You’re the only one with real courage.

COWARDLY LION

Wow. Thanks Dorothy. You cured me. Now I can stand up to The Wizard of Trump.

JERRY

Unfortunately, I have bad news. Trump was arrested for impersonating a president of the United States. See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.