If Republican Candidates Had Lived at Other Times in History

If the recent crop of Republican candidates had lived in other time periods, what would they have said at these key events?


Roman Colosseum
The Roman Colosseum by Giovanni Battista Piranesi, a 1757 engraving.

SANTORUM: This harlot before us is one of Satan’s own who has used her for a tool of His evil! We must burn her until only the ashes of her sinfulness remain. The evidence shows her wickedness: She was seen dancing naked in the moonlight, she does not attend church on the Sabbath day, and she bathes only once a month. This last sin should make her burn all the easier!

ROMNEY: I thinketh that we should allow for the possibility that she was dancing naked to get rid of all the lice that had attached to her from not bathing. If she is truly evil then she of course should be burned, but let us be sure of ourselves. Of course if the big business owners say burn her, then by all means.

GINGRICH: I get to be the one to put the torch to her!

PALIN: (in the background) Burn, baby, burn!



SANTORUM: The verdict is that this traitor to our beloved King George has spied upon our British brethren and conspired to aid the traitors that would tear this new land from the bosom of her sovereign mother, the British Empire. It is righteous before God that he be hanged from the neck until dead!

ROMNEY: I think we should look at all aspects of this situation. The man is perhaps misguided into aiding the colonies minute men from the delusion that they have that they can form a new nation out of this scrub grass land. I must remind you that he is also only twenty one years old and his mind can perhaps still be reformed into more correct thinking and he could again become a stellar British citizen. Unless of course the big business owners want him hung, in which case I am all for it.

GINGRICH: I get to be the one to push him off the scaffold!

PALIN: (in the background) Hang, baby, hang!



SANTORUM: We must send this Jews a message that they are not welcome! They are inferior beings who do not belong in our great Fatherland! The do not follow the teachings of our Lord Jesus Christ who died for their sins. In fact, they murdered him! They should all be burned out!

ROMNEY: I think we should allow for them to leave peacefully. It is true they don’t belong here, but we don’t need to smash up perfectly good business store fronts. Now if the big companies want them out then we should back them up.

GINGRICH: (looking around) Where is a brick I can throw?

PALIN: (in the background) Huh? What language are you guys speaking? You aren’t French are you? I don’t like the French.



SANTORUM: We need to execute these rich scum. They are leeches that suck the blood out of our very marrow. They sap the vitality from the heart of this great country- our poor working people! Let their heads roll! Their blood will feed the soil that will enrich this country again.

ROMNEY: No! Wait a minute! I’m not that rich! Let’s be reasonable about this! I….I…I. I’ll give you a couple of my mansions! How about that? You could fit a lot of poor people in one of them! No! Stop! I give to charities! Really I do!!…..Stoppppppp!!!…..

GINGRICH: I got dibs on his head for a souvenir!

PALIN: (in the background) Oooh, yuck! I’m surrounded by French!



SANTORUM: These Christian heretics are lucky that we do not turn our gladiators out on them. The lions will give them a quicker death. These traitors to our gods undermine our glorious Roman state with their sniveling religion. They do not represent the grand Roman people who now control most of this continent.

ROMNEY: I think we should give them a little more chance. Maybe give them a sword or whip to even out the match a little bit. They are misguided people. Maybe simply a few lashes will bring them back to our way of worship. Now if the lion supply company wants them killed then……

GINGRICH: I’m placing bets of 50 to1 in favor of the lions.

PALIN: (in the background) Do they sell any diet wine here? What kind of a cheap place is this that doesn’t sell diet wine? I’ve got to watch my figure.

Now, if Ron Paul had been there he would have tried to stop the witch burning, tried to hide Nathan Hale, not taken part in Kristallnacht, protested against the French guillotining and helped the early Christians. But the others have already pushed him to the side.

Roger Freed