Ripping the Headlines Today, 9/24/19

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

dancing with the stars

‘Dancing with the Stars’ returns

Let’s face it, my Facebook Friends suggestions and the new cast of ‘Dancing with the Stars’ have one thing in common. I’ve never heard of most of them.

Hailey Baldwin celebrates first wedding anniversary with Justin Bieber: “1 Year of Being Your Mrs”

In pop star marriage years that’s like their 35th anniversary.

Ivanka tells Republican donors she got her moral compass from her dad

Apparently, he also paid for her boobs, nose and cheekbones.

Sarah Palin’s husband Todd files for divorce because he “finds it impossible to live together”

While Vladimir Putin says he could see this coming from his house.

Meghan McCain walked off ‘The View’

Personally, I’m saying nothing to piss her off, the woman likes to get drunk and is armed!

Trump says he prefers American wine to French wine even though he doesn’t drink: “I just like the way they look”

… especially the younger vintages…

NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio announced he is no longer running for President

Proving the candidate is always the last to know.

Emmy 2019 telecast review: It’s time to bring back the host

Yup, not saying this years’ Emmy broadcast was off, but it will probably wind up in next year’s ‘In Memoriam’ segment!

Israel’s Netanyahu left teetering after close election

BiBi’s this close to being Bye Bye.

College classmate claims Brett Kavanaugh exposed himself to her at party

But, in fairness, so far, the evidence is all circumcisonal.

Reports Trump pressured Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky to investigate Biden’s son

… I’m shocked, shocked he could pronounce Volodymyr Zelensky!

Pats’ owner Robert Kraft claims he released WR Anthony Brown because Brown rubbed him the wrong way

As opposed to when Kraft’s rubbed the right way, those stories have happy endings!

Mike Pence Says His role model for Vice President Is Dick Cheney

Now, if only he’d take Trump out hunting.

Justin Trudeau has admitted to wearing Blackface at least three times

Damn, now he’s not only hot to the Trump women but the Kardashians!

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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