Jerry Duncan Interviews Ukraine President Volodymr Zelensky & Donald Trump

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Volodymr Zelensky and Donald Trump.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is the President of the Ukraine Volodymr Zelensky and President Donald Trump.

Volodymr ZelenskyDONALD TRUMP

No phone call. Never happened. Fake news.

JERRY

We have a summary of the whistleblower transcript of the July call you made to President Zelensky. You released it to the public.

TRUMP

I must have been having a good day. Read it.

JERRY

I’ll let President Zelensky do the honors.

Zelensky reads the transcript with a Ukrainian accent.

VOLODYMR ZELENSKY

Donny small hands. Nice to hear.

TRUMP

Sure, Stumpy.

ZELENSKY

Why you call?

TRUMP

I have a little business to discuss.

ZELENSKY

I still wait for missiles approved by Congress.

TRUMP

Ah ah. That’s why I called. I have some bad news. Bad news. I owe the boys at the Republican National Committee a favor.

ZELENSKY

What kind favor?

TRUMP

Missiles for dirt on Joe Biden and his son Hunter. Look, it wasn’t my idea. I’m trying to cover my ass.

ZELENSKY

Joe Biden the hunter? Or ass too big to cover? Makeup mind.

TRUMP

No, you idiot. The former vice president. His son Hunter was on the board of the bad Ukrainian gas company Burisma.

ZELENSKY

Hunter have bad gas? Try Beano.

TRUMP

Are we speaking the same language?

ZELENSKY

I speak English. Don’t know what you speak.

TRUMP

Here’s the skinny. Get me the dirt on the Biden’s or you don’t get the missiles!

ZELENSKY

Putin will invade Ukraine.

TRUMP

What’s the motto of Ukraine?

ZELENSKY

Every man for himself.

TRUMP

Music to the Kremlin’s ears.

ZELENSKY

Donny small hands. Never throw dirt at opponent. You always lose ground.

JERRY

Well Trumpster. You just implicated yourself in a pro quo quid. A favor for a favor.

TRUMP

Zelensky was a former comedian. We were practicing a sketch I wrote for Saturday Night Live.

JERRY

Is that true, Shorty?

ZELENSKY

No. I say to Trumpster. From comedian to comedian, you a traitor to America.

JERRY

Trumpster. Why did the traitor wear two watches?

TRUMP

I don’t know.

JERRY

Because he’s a two timer.

TRUMP

It was a perfect conversation. Perfect conversation.

JERRY

Crazy Rudy Giuliani is implicated in the Whistleblower complaint and two of his associates arrested in an FBI sting.

TRUMP

I don’t know Rudy. Had a few pictures taken with him.

JERRY

He would take a bullet for you.

TRUMP

Good. I’ll shoot him.

Jerry’s cell phone rings.

JERRY

Just a minute. Shorty, it’s for you.

Jerry hands Zelensky the phone.

ZELENSKY

Putin want Chicken Kiev for dinner?

ZELENSKY

Oh. Putin want chicken in Kiev by dinner.

JERRY

I guess I won’t see you again.

TRUMP

That’s what you get for knowing me.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.
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