Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/13/20

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Royal Family
Intending to step back as ‘senior’ members of the Royal Family.

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have said in a statement they “intend to step back as ‘senior’ members of the Royal Family”

Or, as it’s also known, “Sussexit.”

Ron Howard gets in a Twitter feud with Trump

So, it’s Opie vs. Gropie.

‘Hustlers’ real-life strip club host sues producers, J Lo production co. for $40 mil

… in singles!

Ricky Gervais takes aim at Hollywood in Golden Globes opening monologue

Looks like Gervais’s next film will be ‘Burning Bridges of Madison County.’

Harvey Weinstein showed up in court using a walker

Dude, literally doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

Harry Styles leaves $2,020 tip after dinner with Adele and James Corden on Anguilla vacation

Mighty generous considering the wait staff was made up of his ex-One Direction bandmates.

Trump calls Pelosi the “most overrated person I know”

Yup, she’s the General Mattis of House Speakers.

RIP Buck Henry

Heaven could’ve waited!

Bristol Palin reveals she’s single again one month after going Instagram official with Janson Moore

No surprise to Putin who could see this coming from his house…

Bed Bath & Beyond sells headquarters, other real estate

…. Pretty good deals if you used one of those 20% off coupons.

Arizona Republican introduces bill to ban the word “homosexuality” from public schools

Next up, forcing a name change for Dairy Queen.

The Oscars will be host-less, once again

Well, they did list ‘Oscar Host’ in last year’s ‘In Memoriam.‘

People are shocked at the size of Kim Kardashian’s refrigerator

… I hear it was originally a much smaller refrigerator but she had work done on it.

Melania Trump threatens to sue anyone claiming she used to be a hooker

Uh, this sounds like she’s still open for business.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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